Tuesday, December 15, 2009

My dearest God,

This morning as I was waking up I remembered a little sing-song exercise I did as a child. My fingers were interwoven together and pointing to my chest as I said, "This is the church, this is the steeple, open the doors and see all the people." At the end all my fingers were revealed displaying every person.

I saw that plain as day this morning; only I saw it in the context of sin revisited. All the fingers uncovered represented all my sins. Sin revisited is sin not yet forgotten.

If you were to reopen every sin I had committed, disclosing every mistake I ever made, showing me and the world everything I have ever done wrong, my errors would be so many. I would feel the need to crawl away and hide in darkness forever. To remember every hurt, every untruth, every indiscretion of my life since I was born would be enough to break my heart forever just as my sin has done to others.

Yet, you also showed me how grace has been woven into every sin, how your forgiveness, mercy and compassion have changed their look providing liberation and freedom. Every time I stood before you, declaring my guilt, confessing my wrongdoing, you have inoculated my sin with a generous gift of grace, not because I was worthy but because your love is that big.

For a long time I remembered the sins of others, tenaciously holding on to them. I held them out for you to see. I wanted you to know how those sins had deeply hurt me. Time and time again you mercifully gazed into my eyes as if to say, "How long will you remember before you forgive?" "But Lord," I cried out. Your compassionate care remained with me but your gentle challenge reminded me that grace is infused into all, not just some.

Months ago when the doors to your radiant light opened, I was taken in. Your light embraced me in a way as never before. I felt enveloped in gentle, tender, self-giving love. I felt your light sweep into every dark place in my life. Held in the most incredible mercy I have ever known, your sweet grace was next, dripping down upon me from heaven on high. In the light of so great an agape, I saw my own sin, realized my own shortcomings. I heard the voices of my past crying out for forgiveness and then I ascertained, saw and felt an internal grace calling me home. I sat in a puddle of mercy remembering every grace offered, every sin forgiven, every compassion provided and I realized your deep love was not only for me but for those I had hurt and those who had harmed me. My tears streamed as if never ending.

That vision has persisted, never leaving me. Grace given, grace to be imparted to others.

Your grace
has saved me,
O Lord.
Teach me
to be
a grace giver
so that
sin healed
can be forgotten,
left to
creation's own
mysterious ways.

Love, Andrea