Monday, May 4, 2009

Dearest God,

Why is it that certain people bring hidden tears to the surface? What is it about particular people that brings life's hurts and faith together at the same time?

Sharing sad news with the public is difficult and painful. But opening myself up to deep persons of faith, persons who love and respect me, people that I know I will disappoint is excruciating. My tears easily collect and spill over. My heart hurts all over again.

Life decisions are not easy especially the ones that will impact others. I take my decisions very seriously because I truly want to be a faithful witness to you. That is why my current decision has taken so long, so many years long because I wanted to try everything, to give all I had, to use every method to change things. But nothing worked. I could no longer keep dying inside. I had to stop the bleeding.

Standing in your presence, sharing all, crying out my every sorrow, falling at your feet has been my modus operandi for a long time. Where else could I go? Everything, every situation winds up at your feet anyway. Trying to skirt around issues, keeping things hidden away, and going on about my daily business can continue for a while but you always know what is happening. You know every detail. Who am I kidding? You know it all. You wait patiently for me to come, to let go, to give you everything, confessions, tears, petitions, pain and anguish, and my love. And when I finally show up, when I reveal my deepest hurts aloud, I hear gentle spirit words that ease my suffering. And then I wonder why I waited so long.

God Most Holy,
I honor you.
You are
the deepest love
of my life.
It is
to you
that I come,
sharing my all.
You are
my holy parent.
I come
to you
as a child,
a wounded child,
a hurting child,
a child looking
for help.
I always
find it
in your arms.

Love, Andrea