Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Dear God,

Day by day I am finding new strength. Like an injured accident victim learning to walk again, I am reclaiming newfound strength as I tend to the wounds in my own life. What I have discovered is that emotional wounds can be as devastating as physical ones. They are both challenging. They require care. They take time. They also require hard work.

I have been told that many prayers have been spoken on my behalf. Persons who care for me, want me to get "better", desire me to become my old self again. Even churches have prayed for me. I am humbled by the spiritual attention I have received. What I have also learned is that I will never return to my former self. Like the day I was diagnosed with breast cancer, I walked through a door with only one handle. I knew I could never pass through that door again.

While I would never want to go through the suffering pain I have experienced these last few years, especially the last few months, I can finally say I have learned some life lessons, some valuable life lessons. I have learned that hope can fizzle and die without faith. I have learned that some days dying seems better than living but living is always better than dying emotionally. I have learned that courage is but an idea without hardship. I have learned that grace lives forever. I have learned that truth comes at a great price but is always better than living a lie. I have learned that disappointment is part of life but not defining to human experience. I have learned that trust is imperative if healing is ever going to take place. I have learned that no wound is mortal. I have learned that caring for others' wounds to the exclusion of your own will leave you in a wounded state yourself. I have learned that joy can return and peace is just under the surface.

You have taught me to search for my own answers not to look at others to provide them for me. You have shown me that your love is ever present and your presence is assured. You have provided me with resources to make it through the maze of sorrow, sadness, loss and grief. You have whispered joy into my ear when I thought it was gone forever. You have loved me when I was in the belly of despair. You did not hurry me to change. You did, however, dangle transformation in front of me as incentive to move from the hole where I was lodged. You have been my constant friend, encouraging me to health and wholeness. To you I owe everything.

Gratitude is
on my lips.
I thank you
for each place
where I
have resided
in sorrow
and pain.
And why?
Because you
have spoken
to me.
You have
taught me.
You have
stretched me.
You have
called my name.
You have
graced me,
filled me
with you.
I am blessed.

Love, Andrea