Saturday, August 1, 2009

Dearest God,

It takes a lot of energy to end a chapter in my life. I wrestle with letting go. I hold on way beyond the time to surrender. I keep thinking something will change and I won't have to. I don't want to, I cry and plead. But finally when I realize there is too little to hold me, I finally have to release the little because it is not enough to sustain life.

I invest myself deeply in life, in relationships. I work hard. I try new things, sometimes erroneously thinking that will be enough to turn the tide when problems arise. This current chapter has lasted many years. When I count, way too many. But I'm not sorry I waited longer, tried harder, worked and gave more. I will never be sorry. I made a promise.

As I worked on the purely practical side of this chapter, a whiff of memory struck me. I remembered when this was my favorite chapter. I remembered many happenings, events, activities that at one time delighted my soul. But as I took a closer look, I saw how I had orchestrated the special times. And suddenly I was sad again.

I have always found meaning in creating memories with those I love most in the world. That's why I enjoy making things for my family. I loved giving special gifts to my husband, children and grandchildren. It was one of my favorite things. I loved the joy I saw spread across their faces.

I can't think of a new chapter until I end this very sad one.

Loving God,
you are
the author
of the old
and the new.
You have
taught me
to look
through the lens
of faith
when I
go through
difficult times.
You reveal
to me
the nonsense
of resentment
and bitterness.
You guide me
toward healing
and grace,
reminding me
that life is
not always
what we want
or need it
to be.
But your love
exists for
all time.
The chapter
of your
great mercy
never ends.

Love, Andrea