Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Dearest God,

I prayed for your will. I allowed tears to flow as I prayed for your will. When my spirit longs for one thing and I know it is not to be, I pray for your will. Like a willow tree, I bend to your will. But I weep for my own desire.

It is hard to pray for your will but in the deepest part of my faith I know praying for your will is an act of faith. Granting permission from my whole being to join in your whole purpose is the work of faith.

I weep as I give myself to you wholly in this moment in time. I bring forth all my hopes and dreams, my wants and needs, my sorrow and pain and I give them all to you. I bend, I lean forward, I offer myself to you. And then I must listen and be obedient because you know tomorrow, I do not. You know the next day and the next day. You know what lay ahead for me. I do not. Living my own life my way means that I could bypass your plan. I could miss it altogether because I was not prepared to see it, to live it, to revel in it.

A dark night of the soul can lead to the light of day, your light. It can offer a fresh, new perspective. It can give birth to hope and joy and even to peace. A dark night of the soul is simply a wrestling of faith. If I can finally yield to your desire for my life, then light comes and I see the path before me. If I cannot yield, rather resisting the gift of faith and courage to follow you, then I am left to my own resources. I can do what I want whatever that may mean. But it also means that I lose the opportunity you have for me. Wrestling is good. I know the cost on each side. I can make an informed decision whether good or bad. Yet for me, I am ultimately left with my life's goal to be faithful.

I bent
to your will
last night,
O Lord.
Once again
I chose
your way.
Help me,
guide me
to live
the faithful life.
For me
it's the
only life
to live.

Love, Andrea