Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Dearest God,

A tidal wave of sadness washed over me. Caught off guard I wept for a long time.

You have taught me many life lessons these last many months. Healing does not have a beginning and ending time. Once healing begins sadness is not finished. It is not over in the middle, sometimes not even at the end. You have revealed to me that sadness can come at any time, triggered by almost anything.

One call phone. It took just one phone call to allow sadness to well up again and spill over me. One phone call.

One way I have learned to deal with deep sadness is to whisper over and over, "The Lord is my shepherd, the Lord is my shepherd, the Lord is my shepherd." Images of Jesus carrying a lamb come to me. A strong man carrying a little wounded baby sheep. I find comfort in the image and the reality behind it.

I have found that when healing begins in the human soul, a scab will form over an injured spot. Designed to scab and eventually fall away a faded mark may remain as a reminder. But overall the scab is a sign of healing. However, at times something will happen to pull at the scab causing additional bleeding. Another scab will emerge. At some point with continued healing the scab will do as it is created to do to aid in the healing process.

My scab was pulled away prematurely. I felt the original pain all over again. I sensed that suffering sorrow in my soul, like a water barrel filled to the top spilling over.

I know in my head how healing works. I know the issues of pain in my soul. I know healing will take a long, long time; however, sometimes I forget the wounded places, the scabs of healing. I forget that I am still fragile and vulnerable. I loved too long, too deeply to heal in just a few months. I have to allow time for my soul to heal although the marks will remind me of my loss.

Yet you have disclosed to me that healing is an act of God. It is a promised gesture of love, compassion and mercy. From the beginning of time you have been in the business of healing. It is your grace that begins the transformation of the wounded soul. You work quietly, silently during the day and in the night. Your gentle hand is at work sewing healing into the fractured soul. Just as something can happen to cause my dam to break, something can take place and I may find myself smiling or become aware that my despair is not as deep as it once was. I discover a sign of divine healing in my soul.

What I have learned is this: Trust God in all things. Trust you in joyous times; trust you in great loss. No loss is so great that your love is not yet greater. In trusting you with my whole heart, I am living the promise of healing and resurrection. I am already moving into a newness of life.

Teach me,
teach me,
dear God,
the ways
of deep trust.
Help me
to take everything
to you
in prayer
and supplication.
Guide me
during times
of trial
and testing.
Lift my
little boat
upon the waves
of your
gracious love
so that
I may not
be so afraid
when the storms
of life hit.
Help my trust
to grow
so that I
will be able
to rise
and fall
during stormy weather,
always trusting
in you,
never faltering,
never fearing,
never doubting,
always trusting.
You will always
have my
love and devotion.

As always, Andrea