Saturday, November 21, 2009

My dearest God,

My shower gel bottle was empty; I mean e-m-p-t-y. During my flight to New Mexico the bottle had opened spilling gel into my suitcase. I only had a little to begin with. But I was determined to use it sparingly while in the desert. I ran out two days ago. I tried to pull off the top but it wouldn't budge. And then I tried getting water into the tiny pin-hole opening, but to no avail.

This morning as I walked in the cold, crisp air watching the clouds made by my breath in the darkness of the very early morning, I looked forward to a hot shower. I stepped into the shower stall, the hot water running and I remembered I had no soap. I had forgotten to get one of the small soaps from the motel although I didn't want to use it because I always give those to the church who makes hygiene kits for the homeless. I looked at my useless shower gel bottle. What to do, I asked myself after not having had a shower for two days. I put it under the water again. I tried pulling the top off again. Nothing worked. So I put my wash cloth under the water and tipped the bottle and out came gel, the size of a quarter. What a surprise! I had enough left to have the sudsiest shower I had had since coming a week ago. Wow!

That shower gel bottle caused me to reflect and celebrate. When I think I am empty, I need to look again. There's still more available. When I think there is nothing left, there is always just a bit more. Standing in the shower all sussed up, I smiled. Hope is like that. When I think I've run out of hope; there's still another dose. When I think I have used up all my trust, I've still got a portion left. When I'm all out of faith; there is still some waiting to be used. Courage is the same way. And so is love and peace.

In these last years I have frequently run out of trust, faith, hope, courage and strength. I would feel I was on my last leg. I would hang on to the rope for life only to feel the threads fraying in my hands. Yet, at the last moment when I felt all was loss and I was about to sink to a world where I could never find my way back, suddenly another portion came my way. I had a bit more. I have lived this way for the last few years.

As always I come to this desert mountain looking for something. But the last three times I have come, I have always had to surrender something. It was always good and valuable. However, in the last two or three years I have had to surrender so much, more than ever in my life. Material things, relationships, good health, attitudes, hopes and even dreams. I have felt as if I have had to surrender most of what I possessed outside and inside myself. Although extremely painful I see now it was an important process. I needed to go through the purification exercise to get down to the nubbins of who I am, what I am about, what is important and learn to trust you more in every area of my life. I have had to come face to face with myself. I haven't always liked the person in the mirror. Yet, part of the learning was to see myself for who I am, make the changes, surrender those bitter parts and trust in you to reshape and remake me for a new day, a new life, a new future.

My exile is over. I'm going home.

Loving God,
your grace
has spilled over
on me.
Your light
has shone.
Your love
has made
its way
into my heart.
You have
shored up
my weak places
and given me
a new kind
of strength
and courage.
You have
reminded me
that sometimes
we have
to climb
tall, scary mountains
to find
an extra portion
of faith.
However precarious
it is,
it is always
worth it.
Thank you
for emptiness
that lead me
to fullness.
You will always
have my love.

Always, Andrea