Thursday, November 8, 2007

Dearest God,

"Focus on what God is going to do inside you instead of on the negative behavior of others." Wisdom from my covenant group. Focus on what God is going to do.

I have a decision to make about Thanksgiving. Will I go to a home filled with love where I am part of the family? Or will I make my way to a home where something different takes place?

Years of hurtful history tempt me to go to one and not to the other. Yet, this nagging voice, perhaps the voice of an angel calling me forward, encouraging me, reminding me of my life's desire to be faithful is whispering to me exactly where I am to head. "Focus on what God..."

I teeter back and forth. On one hand I know exactly what you want me to do. On the other hand harmful memories flood my soul teetering me back the other way. Do I want the past to shape my present or do I trust in you for courage, strength, hope, to allow the past to quietly end, allowing room for a present and future? Of course, I know the answer. Drat and double drat!

But even in my "dratness" my desire is to please you, to follow my soul's desire to rise into your arms, to listen to your voice speaking to me. You never wish for me to shrink back, to ball up covering myself, protecting my psyche from hurt. Forge forward, fall forward into my arms you tell me and when I do, really trust, amazing things happen. You have shown me again and again. What was broken can be repaired, mended. Not to look the same. It will never be that way again. But something new. Broken pieces reshaped into a new creation. Perhaps more beautiful than the first. Doctors do say that a broken bone healed is stronger than before. Maybe something stronger.

As I contemplate my upcoming time at Christ in the Desert Monastery I know I will have to dwell there on this issue. I will need to sit upon the ground under the sun and stars where the moon's glow will encapture my soul. I will need to empty myself of everything until I am completely at your mercy. I will listen to no voice but yours. And there you will tell me the stories of grace and mercy. You will speak to me of forgiveness. You will want to wash me clean of all mean and ugly thoughts. You will want to purify my soul. Make me ready.

Oh dear God,
how good
you are to me.
I am not worthy,
so not worthy
of so lavish a love
poured out
on me.
My soul
cries out
for a healing cleansing
so my vessel
can contain
the purity
of your life
in me.
I want nothing more
than you.
I want
all of what is good
to fill my soul,
not to be held or possessed
for me only,
but to allow it
to go forth
to others.
But if my soul
is not ready,
unclean and conditional,
what can
I hold
within me
that I won't
tarnish or harm
in some way?
My soul is vulnerable,
fragile.
I wait on you.

Love, Andrea