Sunday, February 15, 2009

Dearest God,

I am guilty of pride. I read and listened at the feet of St. Bernard of Clairvaux. I went through the 12 steps of pride and saw my own self moving from one to the next, building up pride along the way. No matter that it was built upon a decaying foundation.

Sometimes I do compare myself with others, especially those close. When I feel loss or grief, insecurity will lead me to pride as a way of coping. A poor way, of course. And the great tragedy for me is that I don't have anything more than I had before. I never get what I really want and I end up empty handed.

The truth that cries out is that what I want is not possible. As much as I want it to be, it is not. It is like an illusive dream; I grab for it but I can never attain it. This truth brings me sorrow and has for a long time. But how long do you complain, anguish, cry and rebel? How long before you grow weary of me, Lord?

I ask for your help. You give it to me. I ask for your guidance. You give it to me. I ask for your love and you pour it out. I ask you to show me the way and it is revealed. And then I stop. I sit on the ground and weep for I know the truth that will set me free. But knowing the truth and acting upon it, taking hold of it, trusting it, taking steps, and leaving behind my shattered dream is so difficult and painful. My whole being fills with sadness.

And then your words come to me, "The Lord is my shepherd; the Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want." "The Lord is my shepherd..." Yes, you are my shepherd. Like a lamb who has wandered off alone, fallen down and hurting, you come to my aid. You ease my suffering. You right me, moving me from my vulnerable posture so I can get up and get moving. As I move back in the right direction, you call out to me. "Little lamb, little lamb..." The sound of your voice brings more tears, tears of gratitude. Just knowing that you know my name brings a sense
of relief and I am enabled to move forward one more time.

Great Shepherd,
you have heard
my bleating cry.
You have appeared
to me,
reminding me
that the shepherd
always hears
the cry
of the lambs.
May I walk today
with that knowledge
and act
in faith
and trust.

Love, Andrea