Sunday, August 16, 2009

Dear God,

I know when a battle for my soul is taking place. On the one hand there is great disappointment and hurt resulting in resentment and bitterness. My whole being can be filled with judgment and anger. Despair lurks, wanting to rob me of any hope, love, joy and peace. The mover and shaker on this side is none other than the force of evil. The other side I recognize as the pure presence of loving good. This is the force of heaven.

Evil forces would keep me in terror, constant hurt and bitterness because a heart filled with these leaves no room for faith, goodness, purity of thought, hope, peace and joy. Living in a state of discord, chaos and suffering never provides space for rest from the weariness. Evil forces would prefer human life to be this way because there is no energy for good, no ability to trust in God, no positive thoughts, only sorrow and bitterness leading to despair.

On the other hand, the forces of good battle for me when I don’t have energy for the fight myself. They rally courage, love, hope, strength and faith to join in the conflict. They whisper the truth. They challenge the evil force for having taken me captive.

When such fighting is taking place, I feel it in my insides. My brain races with negative thoughts. My heart feels the piercing pain of ugliness pressed at me. My soul just cries out for help because I know I need to turn to forces greater than evil. I remember that my life’s greatest goal is to be faithful. And I know in order to be faithful, my whole being has to submit itself to you during life's greatest challenges. When the battle is going on, I feel ripped and torn. Back and forth, back and forth, I take a hit. And you reach out for me, placing a temporary hold on the agony. Until I take another punch when hurtful past experiences charge once again into my mind. I slump but an angel grabs hold, taking the greatest brunt. On and on it goes.

So it was in the night and this morning. Even as I was preparing for church the battle was on. That’s when I called a halt and drew a wide line in the sand, a judging line. Tears followed as I cried out to you in the car. “Help me, Lord, help me bend my will. Break my will, dear God. Let me live your will, not my own.” I pleaded. “Break down my will, Lord, make me yours.” At that moment the song played from the CD, "Soften my heart, Lord, soften my heart..." How many times has that same song sung to me your message? Soften my heart.

The moment I saw the church in the distance, I felt a feeling of peace. Just the image of your church set me on the right foot. I walked in, took a seat fourth row just to the left of the center aisle. I pulled down the kneeling bench and there thanked you for the constancy of your living presence within me. In minutes nearly a thousand of us were singing together.

When the lay reader stood to offer the holy word, she read from the book of Wisdom. “Watch out for your living…” She spoke. It struck me, my thoughts, my pain, my battle. "Soften my heart, Lord, soften my heart" that I may live a faithful life. As I engaged in the worship, I felt strengthened. Just the sheer number of believers all around me filled me with hope. They too are here to have their faith reinforced, authenticated, I thought. I prayed for myself.

Before long, with hands in front of me, palms up I stood before the priest as he spoke, “The body of Christ." I ate the living bread he spoke about in the morning message. And then the cup the laywoman said, "The cup of salvation." I needed saving and I drank it. Back on my knees in the pew I continued my prayer.

That’s it! A voice went off in my head. That’s it. The answer to bitterness is love. Only love can melt bitterness. Like butter or wax, I need your spirit fire to melt the hardness in my heart.

Still on my knees while others received the Eucharist, the light shone down on me, beaming through the small window high above me. I felt the sun’s glow on my face, head, shoulders and prayer hands. I looked up and then around me. No one had the light, only me. The only one in a thousand.

Bend my will,
dear God,
then melt
the hardness
in my heart.
Oh Lord,
I now know
why I
hold on
to bitterness.
I perceive
that it
keeps me
connected to those
I do not
wish to
let go of.
Even though
they let go
of me
a long
time ago,
I have
still hung on.
In letting go
of a
hardened heart,
I can
let go
of growing bitterness.
As I
let go
and bend
to your will,
I will heal
with soft edges.
Refashion me,
Great Loving Father,
take the pieces
of my bitterness
and remake me,
I pray.

Love, Andrea