Saturday, October 24, 2009

Dearest God,

It's a revolution of thought, a shift in power and authority. Moving from my will to your will requires a willfulness on my part. I have to be a willing participant in the transfer.

To come under the power and authority of the almighty is to acknowledge and accept my human part in the divine movement. It is a case of trusting wholly in you. I cannot hold back even a minute piece; I must give all of me to you to be obedient, to follow your lead without the smallest trace of a predetermined or expected outcome.

How can I be called a follower if I do not follow? Every time I try to lead, to influence your decision about my life, I run amok. There are times when you have allowed me to play out my plan. You have given me what I said I wanted. But in the end I was disappointed, first, because I got what I wanted and it really gave me little satisfaction and secondly, because I did not listen to you. I did not take heed of the gentle nudges along the way to turn back, to turn aside, to pause and think, to stop, to reevaluate, confess and start again. Being a follower does not mean fully leading my own life; it means subjecting myself to a higher power.

Many times I have had to clean up my own messes. I have felt ashamed and sorrowful. I have had to confess my own stubbornness. I have crawled into the darkness thinking erroneously that I could hide from you only to discover once again that there is no place hidden from your eyes.

I am sometimes a wandering fool. Yet, you, O God, have called out to me. "Had enough?" Every time warm tears fill and spill and in a clump I sit. In those moments my sin so well known to both of us puddles at your feet. In the light I confess and like a small, weeping child you reach down, lift me up and cradle me in your arms. In those moments of divine embrace, I reunite with the One who waited for me to return. I recognize my need to trust you more than my own desire, my own imagined vision. I have to acknowledge your will is always, always better and I have to start over one more time asking you to lead me.

You are God;
I am simply
one tiny part
of your
great creation.
Yet,
I am made
in your image;
therefore,
I have value
to you.
Give me
sacred balance,
O Lord,
so when
I get
out of kilter,
I will know
to stop,
to look,
to listen
for your voice.
Make me
less willful
and more willing,
I pray.

Love, Andrea