Thursday, October 8, 2009

Dearest God,

I think I have come full circle. Before I crawled out of bed this morning, I prayed for those for whom no one prays.

In these last few years especially the last several months I have experienced the feeling of being forgotten. Not by just anyone or many but by one in particular. It is a horrible feeling to be forgotten. Whether it is ultimately true or not, it is the ultimate feeling of rejection and abandonment. I use the word ultimate and ultimately to highlight the depth and intensity of the experience.

I think I tried everything I could to jar loose feelings of connection; yet, I failed in every endeavor. You can't make someone remember you.

When I cried out to you, you always came to me. I was never left alone. I never felt forgotten by you. Somewhere along the way my cry did not lead me where I wanted to go but somewhere else. Like planning a trip to a particular location, I looked to the place I hoped to go. I thought about it, planned for it, and even prayed for it. I longed to be there believing happily that arriving at my destination would answer my heartfelt need. But you did not lead me to that place. You guided me to a detour sign. I had to go another way. How many times did I stand at this sign weeping because I could see my destination ahead but no way to ever get there? More times than I want to count.

In my own desperate need to be remembered, you took me to one great community of forgotten people. You made me aware, conscious of a huge number of forgotten peoples. Unwanted babies. Rejected teens. Children with no parents running in the streets. Throw aways. Used, abused people. Neglected elderly persons. Individuals who have no connection to someone else. As I prayed to find my way to being remembered, you showed me this large number of human beings that are largely forgotten. You asked me to pray for them, to remember them in prayer.

One of the life lessons I have learned this year is to trust you to lead me to the destination of your choice rather than my own. I have been directed to the forgotten in my own forgottenness. You have made a way for me by making a way for others. As I remember them especially in prayer, I somehow am addressing my own need. It gives me a special joy to remember them.

I am confident there have been a great number of times I have forgotten you, when I went about my own way, when I have pleasantly enjoyed fulfilling my own life. It was only when I came to a stop sign that I realized something was amiss and I was forced to make a turn. When I became aware of my own neglect, I would fall into a puddle of humiliation, self judgement, embarrassment and sorrow. At your feet I would beg for forgiveness. I would confess my self centeredness.

I believe you say to every human, "I will not forget you."

O God,
I confess
to my
own forgetfulness.
When I
become preoccupied,
I sometimes forget.
When I
am caught up
in myself,
I forget
whose hand
has shaped me,
whose love
has embraced me,
whose breath
has given
me life.
I fail
to remember.
Please forgive
this clay body,
this finite human.
I long
to always
remember you.
Lead me,
guide me
to you,
Loving Dad.
Teach me
the way
of remembering.
Keep close
this community
of people
you have
given me
to remember.
I humbly
give thanks
in Jesus' name.

Love, Andrea