Tuesday, June 25, 2013

Dear God,

How does fear get a foothold on a human life?  How does it penetrate the soul and fill it up so quickly with negative responses to all that occurs?

Eight years ago I discovered how much fear was directing my life.  I was jumpy, jittery, afraid for what might happen, scared by interpreting life a particular way, and worn down by sadness and disappointment.  I began to look at life negatively thinking there wasn't much hope.

But you came to me in May that year giving me the opportunity of a lifetime.  My church and I were awarded a clergy renewal grant for a journey with you for three and a half months.  For three months I worked like crazy making all the plans, securing lodging at different locations in France, Italy, and Ghana, purchasing transportation tickets, making arrangements for leadership and events at the church, and so much more.  All during that time I carried fear within me.

In September I traveled to a remote monastery in northwest New Mexico where silence was required.  Whether walking on the rocky path at 3:45 a.m. to the liturgy or sitting with myself by the river, I felt afraid.  Then you spoke to me.  You invited me to give you my troubles, my fears, and my insecurities.  You asked me to trust you.  You urged me to surrender myself to you.  At first, I held on.  I knew my fears so well.  How do you let go of what is part of you?  You spoke gently and I gave you one thing and then another.  Little by little I surrendered, again and again and again.  After doing so faith took up residence where fear had lived so long.  Although sadly I hung on to a couple of fears, still I gave you so much of what plagued me.  Faith grew and by the time I came down the mountain to continue my renewal, I was ready for the journey that would change my life forever.  No, I wasn't made perfect but I was opened up completely for whatever you had in mind.

You care
about us,
O Lord;
you show us
your love
when we
are open
to see it.
You speak
to our fears
and reveal
how faith
can conquer fear
within us.
Teach us
to recognize
the tentacles
of fear
as they begin
to form.
Show us how
to trust you
early on
so we
may be enabled
to fight
the fears
with faith.
Thank you
for your faithfulness
even as
we are faithless.
Blessed be
your name,
Lover of us all.

Love, Andrea