Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Dear God,

I woke up with a dark cloud hanging over me and inside my heart. I had a feeling of gloom, of darkness brooding. I knew why but I could not shake the feeling.

A meeting minutes later ushered me downward as I could not move from feelings of loss. Letting go is excruciatingly difficult for me. I hang on, hang on for so long even though I hear your words of challenge to surrender.

I spent the day in sadness, like living in the middle of a wake without the celebration of life. Why do I allow myself to step inside this dark, lonely world? Perhaps so I can dig deeper down into the soil of faith. When I reach what I perceive to be the bottom, I find there is still a deeper place to go. Between the layers of mystery I discover your presence. The deeper I go the more I know I will find. However, I don't go there because I like digging. I go there because I am desperate and my desperation pushes me to dig. I am never disappointed although I feel like I am hanging by a thread. But then a thread is the difference between emotional life and death. A thread is good, very good.

Let me
never fail
to see
the hidden thread,
O God.
Teach me
to keep
my eyes open.
Although I
am not always
a good listener,
obedient to
your will
or desirous
of living
the life
you have designed
for me,
please keep
me digging,
I pray.

Love, Andrea