Tuesday, October 13, 2009

My dearest God,

Last night I sat alone in my darkened common room (a living room to most) and watched my Pine Mountain log fire. Set to last three hours I had done some writing, worked on getting an airline flight to return to Maine one last time, read the scripture readings for my virtual study with my covenant group and listened to some music. When I struck the match, the flame spread across the treated paper until I had a beautiful, sparkling fire. When my work was completed, I sat on the couch wrapped in my fleece blanket and watched the progress of the fire until it finally died leaving me in the darkness.

I was caught off guard when the last flames flickered and went out. I suddenly found myself weeping. Watching something have such life and then ebb and flow and finally go out was so sad for me. Yes, I was tired, I had had a long day. But there was something more.

The journey into darkness can sometimes be a short one. Like watching the fire roar and then go out, I believe the human life experience is like that sometimes as well. I don't always know when the light is about to fade. I am not always aware when my pilgrimage starts to take a dark turn. I just know at times it does. Once there I don't know how long it will last. What I do know is I am destined to travel into the darkness from time to time. I am convinced it is the only way I will really be able to see the light.

When I envision the future, I never imagine dark times. I always think about the light, my dreams and hopes, my prayers for a bright tomorrow. I never factor in dark moments that will cause me to rethink and reevaluate my life. Yet what I have learned as a life lesson these last few years and months, the truth is that my future will contain dark times.

It seems to me, God, that I am never prepared for this movement toward darkness. When the light starts flickering, I am surprised, afraid and disappointed. I begin to pray that my situation will change returning me back to the light. Sometimes I even get angry like I am entitled to a life filled with light all the time. But what I have learned is that life is full of light and darkness, darkness and light.

Something happens to all of us in the darkness. Something always happens to me. I know life is about to change or perhaps is already in the midst of transformation. More often than not, my darkness brings on a kind of sadness connected with loss that means I have already begun a change that cannot be turned around. I am leaving something behind, an attitude, a behavior, a belief, an unrealistic expectation, a hope or dream. I am not able to return to my former state no matter what I do. This metamorphosis will take me on the winding, twisting roads that will lead me to the light where I will discover my own altered state. (And just as I wrote this, Barbra Streisand began to sing her song, "Everything must change. Nothing stays the same. Everyone must change; no one stays the same. The young become the old and mysteries do unfold cause that's the way of time. Nothing and no one goes unchanged.")

I have come to believe the darkness is valuable to the human experience. It is your way, your loving way of jolting me, jarring my existence, making me pause, stopping to look around, to make life course corrections, to adjust and to climb to greater heights. In the darkness I must use my resources in a creative way. My senses are heightened. My world is reduced down to one or two issues that I have to address even if I don't want to. And at some point I will have to let go of something. Like the caterpillar I may try to gorge myself, in my case, with reluctance and resistance but eventually I will surrender, cocoon and mysteriously rise up in a new form. I can only hope that my own tranformation will be as lovely as that of an exquisite multi-colored butterfly that will catch the wind of the spirit and fly.

Every journey into darkness is made with you, O Lord. Oh, I may not notice you at first but at some point, I will become conscious of your presence leading me. My prayer is to get to the point where I will trust you wholly so I will recognize the subtle changes as they occur. In those moments I want to be able to say with sure confidence and faith, "Right now I am preparing for a journey into darkness with God who will lead me to greater light." And after making that faith statement, Great Shepherd, I want to willingly put on my backpack, take your hand and quietly begin the journey with you.

O God,
Most High,
you are God
of the darkness
and the light;
for they
are the same
to you.
My pilgrimage
in this
human life
is sometimes difficult
but always rewarding
when I listen
and follow you.
I may not always
want to take
the journey
but I always
want to
be with you.
I want
to be changed,
transformed by you
when you deem
it time.
I want
to become radiant
in the light
so that
I will be
better able
to glorify you
as your daughter.
Lead me
with your
transforming hand.

Love always, Andrea