Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Dear God,

My mother was born on July 19. She would have been 86 years old today. She died 11 years ago.

Each year on or around her birthday I think about Mom. I travel back through time and relive a few memories, some good and some painful. I think about things she did for me. I reflect upon things I said or ways I acted as a teen. I still feel ashamed that I hurt my mother in any way.

I lived my adult life wanting my mother to change, to become the model mother I wanted. I wanted to hear her say I love you, Andy. In later life I did hear a few I love yous. But for me it was never enough. It was maybe in the last couple years of Mom's life that I learned more about her, about her own mother's inability to love and express affection. What could I expect of my own mother who longed for a mother's love in the same way I did? I failed to overcome my need until it was too late.

Although I have no proof or any evidence, I do believe the line between heaven and earth is a thin one. I believe it is possible to conjure a loving thought and through prayer and trust believe that the thought will waft to heaven and will be received by those we love. This year I want more than anything to say two simple but profound words. Mom, I'm sorry.

Almighty God,
let the wind
of your spirit
lift my
heartfelt words
to eternity.
Bless my mother
with my love,
I pray.

Always, Andrea