Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Dearest God,

I keep wanting to stop, to take pictures of the Autumn scene around me. The loveliness of the season keeps my mind on you, Great Artist of Creation.

Signs and scenes of heaven are all around. One person helping another. An answer to prayer. An insight. Friends coming together. A cry to you.

As I wander through this Fall time, I take stock in my faith ever growing. I know that faith is the great equalizer. It keeps my life in balance. It keeps me from despair when life circumstances say all is lost. It enriches my insides.

Crisp leaves crunching
beneath my shoes
reminds me
that the season
of renewal
is coming.
My roots
will finally
have their season
to regroup,
to push down
into the
fertile soil of
courage, strength
and faith.
During this time
all I have
to do
is let
my roots down,
down where
I meet you.

Love, Andrea

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Dearest God,

I am ready. You saw this day months ago. I am certain you ordained it.

There have been times when I made decisions out of weakness. Out of desperation. Out of fear. I lived with all the "What if's." In due time, a very short time really, I realized the brokenness out of which I moved.

Today is different, very different. Knowing myself, trusting in you, living inside my own skin and liking what I see, I am choosing to operate out of strength, your strength. I do not have to settle for less. I do not have to judge myself as "someone lesser than". I do not have to set aside my own needs solely for the needs of others. I have the responsibility to care for this clay vessel out of which I live. You gave it to me when you drew together the tiny cells.

I am clear. I have a clarity like never before. The veils have been lifted. Now, I must live out of this clarity trusting that you have given it to me. At 62 I am finally clear.

Learning to believe
that I am one
of your beloved,
saved by grace
like all the rest,
I know
I can walk
this life path
with a joy
in whom
I am.
I like me
and I am
satisfied with me.
My trust
in you
teaches me
to stand straight
and tall,
knowing
I do not have
to fall back,
to cater
to the needs
of others
whose own needs
don't always
include me.
I am strong
in myself.
You are
my center;
in you
my every need
is met
as I continue
to operate
from a well
that gives me
opportunity to
carry water
to others.
How can I
ever fully
love and serve
and thank you?

Love, Andrea

Monday, October 27, 2008

Dearest God,

Waking in the early morning darkness gives me the opportunity to watch with my own eyes the unfolding drama of a new day. I am witness to night turning to dusk and dusk turning to dawn. I watch with great interest the brightness of the new day coming.

This process is happening in my own life. I have felt the heaviness of darkness for some time now but while in darkness, the light of your spirit has been nourishing my soul. I live with intentionality; therefore, I make sure I am aware of each day and the part I am to play in it. Recent days have contributed to my sense that a dawn is coming. I am beginning to see dusk where shadows give way, revealing life.

Beginning once again to grab hold of the truth of "Know one's own self," I have flowed with your spirit, strengthening my inner core. What good is life without an internal core that flows from the Almighty? I have learned again to trust you, to trust you to lead me to a trust in myself. You have revealed many truths to me in recent weeks. I am attempting to follow those because to do so is to find the fullness of who I am in your light and grace. I want to go from strength to strength rather than from weakness to weakness. And I am confident that this strength comes from a divine reservoir.

I rise with new determination, trusting in you and my own intuition. I know where courage comes from and I understand the benefits of drawing soft lines in the sand. I know what I need and I am trusting in you as you lead my future. I have found the hidden treasure. I know the location of the well of living water. I carry my bucket with me to fill my own vessel when I'm dry but also to carry some extra water with me for other thirsty souls I meet during my day. What good is a bucket for one?

I see the day dawning as I hear the bells toll once again. I follow the bell to worship.

Loving One,
I stand
at your side,
knowing that
my life
is in your hand.
Forgive me, please,
when I take matters
into my own hands,
when I fail
to ask you first
rather than last.
Allow your teachings
to take root
in my soul.

Love, Andrea

Sunday, October 26, 2008

Dearest God,

My acts of discernment brought about the openness I longed for. But I was not prepared for the openness, the true openness allowing for an emotional and physical release. All through the night my body purged itself of impurities, toxins. Yesterday's exercises set the stage. I was up much of the night letting go, releasing. I felt open, exposed, vulnerable this morning.

What better place to go than to your house in my state of openness? What better place is there than the home of God, the place of healing, renewal and restoration? All morning you filled me with your love, faith and trust. You spoke to my heart. You spoke truth to me. In my vulnerable state of openness your spirit rushed in to mend, to heal. You rallied courage within me. You whispered your healing to me.

I took the next step, just as you would have it. Openness, I had done that. Worship, I had experienced it. Action, I took the third step toward healing. Honesty was that step. Clearly articulated honesty with a clarity of purpose. I was exhausted at the end of today. I could not wait to go to bed with a clear mind and purpose. The woman had said "Three days, you will find your healing in three days." I started it yesterday. I will walk toward it.

Who is greater
than you,
dear God?
What tarnished god
can stand up
to your authority
and power?
Who can offer
so much?
Who can bring
true healing
and wholeness
besides you?
You are
the only God
I want
to follow,
to be obedient to,
to listen,
to worship
and adore.
You are
the only God.

Love, Andrea

Saturday, October 25, 2008

Dear God,

I prayed for openness. This special spa day with my daughters was intended to open the body, mind and spirit. Massage, manicure, cranialsacral therapy, blood audit and analysis, guided meditation, creating mandalas, and discussions on emotional freedom, integrative health medicine, and more were intended to look at our whole well being from the inside out. I prayed for openness.

I have come to trust in my ability to discern. Am I open to new paths of healing and wholeness? Do I trust those who can offer it? Is my environment a safe one?

I walked the halls of the retreat center. Is God here? I asked myself. Is God here in this place ready to bring about a new level of healing? I called your name.

I enjoyed the day with my daughters. Dinner at the Cheesecake Factory. Connecting more deeply with my children. Developing greater forms of openness. Waiting for healing.

You who are Holy,
I enter
your presence
giving thanks.
My prayers
I've been lifting
to you.
Will I find
my healing?
Will I know
renewal and restoration?
Will I recognize
the signal
of healing
when it comes?
Will I
grab hold
of your
renewing power?
Only you,
Lord,
only you,
I reach
out to
only you,
Lord,
only you.

Love, Andrea

Friday, October 24, 2008

Dear God,

Barbra Streisand's rendition of "I Wonder as I Wander" is a theme song for my spirit. I do wonder as I wander, thinking about life unfolding all about me, around the world. I wonder as I wander through the church halls, asking myself questions. Do people come to church just to get a friend fix? Do they seek something just for their own query? Do they use the church for their own end? Or is the church where we come to bring God a gift? I wonder as I hear people say they are not fed. Fed what? Have you starved all week and expect something on Sunday morning? Or have you been fed all week long, you know you've been blessed and now you want to give something back?

I wonder as I wander through my home and relationships. What am I being fed? What am I feeding others?

I wonder as I wander through the world of your spirit. Have I reached the stage of being fed meat or am I still eating baby food of the spirit? Has my spiritual life matured to the place where I can gnaw on the meatier issues of your spirit or must I remain a child eating simpler foods? I wonder as I wander deeper in faith. Am I doing what you want? Am I following your guidance? Am I reaching higher awareness of your spirit in the creation? I wonder.

I wander frequently,
O God,
wondering about you.
I sometimes
wander astray,
losing my way.
Sometimes I wander
into new places,
unfamiliar to me,
looking for you.
Am I to remain
a wanderer, Lord?
Will I settle
one day,
knowing I am home?
Will I
lay down
my backpack
filled with travel tools?
Will I know
for sure
I am where
I am intended
to be?
Lead me, Lord,
lead me
in my wanderings
and wonderings,
I pray.

Love, Andrea

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Dear God,

Hope comes in many forms. An insight, a conversation, a revelation, an experience, a word, gesture or gift. And when it comes, a feeling of relief follows, taking a long breath, believing that something can change. Hopelessness fades in the face of hope.

Maintaining hope is hard sometimes. Whether in a relationship, a health situation, job, whatever, it is difficult when the winds of uncertainty kick up. When hope is swirling in the air because a situation has arisen and hope has taken off with the wind, it is scary, not knowing where hope is, how to find it, how to get it back. And grabbing hold of flying debris, any debris can bring a sense of abandonment because whatever the thing is is not the hope we long for, not the hope that will sustain.

Like walking down the aisles of a grocery store, there is so much from which to make a selection. From walking with you down the aisles of life, I know that I too have much from which to select. I can pick up hopelessness, despair, self-judgement, rotten attitude, etc. Or I can walk just around the corner and find in the aisle courage, self esteen, confidence, trust, faith and hope.

Sometimes there are problems that seem to eliminate an answer of my own choosing. If a health problem, I may not be able to pick up a cure. However, I can pick up faith that will give me courage to go through each day believing that my faith card can help me live an optimum experience. Because while I know I have a deficit in one area, I have an abundance in another. And that brings me hope once again.

Hope comes
from your hand.
When I
take hold
of God-offered
hope,
I know
I am taking
your hand.
I know
I have something
I did not possess
moments before.
I feel lighter,
more at peace.
That's when
I know
hope has
come home.

Love, Andrea

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Dear God,

How hard it is to ask questions that will produce hard answers to life's questions. A question to a mate, a doctor, an employer. Such queries teach one's need to remain at your side.

I have struggled with my own life's questions. Some answers are frightening; others challenge the way I live, think or believe. I am still asking those questions.

The older I become, the more in tune I become with my whole being, the more I face challenges, the more I realize I cannot walk away from you. The closer I stand, the more able I will be to address these questions as they come. The closer I stand, the easier I will breathe knowing I am not alone. The closer I stand, the more I will trust.

Life is a series of challenges I know. Sometimes, O Lord, I flow with the river. Other times I build dams, blocking the flow. It's always more difficult to build dams especially as the river is so powerful. Eventually, worn out, my dam gives way and I ride downstream whether I like it or not. Why not stand at your side while you build me a life raft that I can ride in times of challenge? I could take the white water kicked up over the rocky river beds, knowing my boat is sturdy enough to hold me until I hit the quiet, smooth waterways. And I return to peace to a new place.

Lord of Heaven,
how little
I really
trust you,
how small
is my faith.
I want
to rise up,
trusting you
every second
of every day.
I don't like
the white water;
I get scared.
Yet,
my experience
has always been
that a perceived threat
always takes me
to you.
Teach me,
I pray,
to trust more,
and fear less.

Loving you, Andrea

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Dear God,

Today as I look into the dark not yet light, I know a new day is nearly ready to unfold. I know today is full of potential, possibility. I know around many a corner you stand ready to engage life with your people.

Could I, would I say Yes! to your every request today? Could I, would I be willing to try just one day to say YES! all day long? Could I, would I?

As the dawn comes,
as I continue
my day,
help me
confront my unwillingness.
Remould it,
reshape it
to a joyful willingness,
I pray.

Love, Andrea

Monday, October 20, 2008

Dear God,

Remaining open to spiritual options that lead to your will is sometimes difficult for me. I struggle to keep the door open. If I perceive something through the door I may not like, something I imagine will make me feel uncomfortable, I may choose to remain where I am rather than walk through. Yet, my spirit will be restless; I know I am choosing my own way, my own will. I know I am rejecting your desire for me.

Because my desire in life is to be faithful, I do not rest in my spirit. There is a gnawing in my soul. How can I ask you to guide me, to lead me to faithfulness if I do not follow when you do indeed guide me? Why bother to ask if I do not obediently act as you have willed?

It seems I am nearer now in my life to knowing your will than ever before. When I allow my spirit to roam freely in your loving power, when I laugh and play freely, when I feel like a child discovering the universe, when my spirit is entirely open, you show me your will. When I am hesitant, reluctant to follow your leading, then I cease to roam joyfully. I can get stuck in a rut of my own making. I cannot dislodge myself. The muck begins to rise all around me. And I hear your gentle voice asking me if I would like to move once again.

These spiritual dance steps show me that you are alive, that in a mystery I will never fully understand, you are a guiding God. Knowing what the future holds, you whisper to me your will. You know what my following your will will lead to. You know how a life lesson will enable me to fully engage the future that will lead to wholeness either in myself or in a situation or condition down the road, albeit in my personal, professional or global life. You do expect us to follow because you know how our lives can make a difference in the world. One YES! here can make several YESSES! somewhere down the road.

Oh Lord,
make my life
one big YES!
A YES!
that can alter
the many NO'S
in the world.
How many times
have I said NO!?
So many times
I have
turned down opportunities
that will lead
to many YESSES!
your YESSES!.
O God,
teach me
to listen
in earnest,
to follow
obediently.
Teach me
your ways
again and again
and again.
I do not want
to leave
this earth someday
having lived
a life solely
of my own making.
What a loss.
How I would mourn
meeting you
as I stand
before you
having rejected
the best life possible?

Love, Andrea

Sunday, October 19, 2008

Dear God,

I have come through a time of growth. I am learning the meaning of detachment. Detachment to certain outcomes, detachment to particular material goods, detachment to relationships that appear one sided.

Throughout my life I have felt particular attachments to people, places, things. I have found comfort in these, in fact a security in them. My life seemed better because these symbols were always present, if only in my mind. I traveled my life's journey carrying them with me because I felt safe and full. I felt a kind of belonging.

However, in my recent "travels" I have learned that attachments to particular outcomes, to ways of relating, what I need versus what I want, and to things that have become important to me have lead me down paths of loneliness, disappointment and loss. My feelings of security have been shaken because I placed my trust in these.

The "loosening" process has been a painful one, yet necessary to my future. I have had to release, let go, surrender and by doing so, I have found yet a better way. I have learned my own courage and strength. I have met your will more often than my own. I have learned that security comes when trust in you is greater. When I lean toward you rather than people, places and things with certain hoped-for-outcomes, my life becomes more simple, more peaceful and fulfilling. My expectations change and I find a kind of peace never before experienced. I find my own self.

I have found a new kind of freedom, one that is present even in relationships. When I learned to let go of unrealistic expectations, I found a freedom to enjoy life as it comes. When I surrendered my attachments to certain things, I realize now I never really NEEDED them. I thought I needed them but I don't. Letting go of things I have accumulated over time have allowed me a new place to live within. Like spring cleaning, I have swept away those things I thought I needed in order to be happy, safe or fulfilled.

Such learnings have come as I have sat impatiently at your feet. My trials and tribulations, my faulty thinking and my spiritual awakening have shown me a better way. True joy is found within one's own soul. No one else can give you that kind of joy. You have to find it within yourself. No thing, nothing can make you feel full. Fullness comes in a rich, meaningful life with you. Expectations, however small, can hold you captive to a life of loneliness. Letting them go releases the whole person from a half-empty cup mentality. And the process of learning is one where there is no attachment to a particular outcome. What comes can be life-giving. It has been for me.

I owe you
my life,
dear God.
Your teaching
reminds me
of my dependency,
my chosen dependency
upon you.
Holding on
to that which
robs the soul
of freedom,
is a road
toward death.
Learning
to let go
while reaching out
is your way
of healing.
My backpack
is full.
I poured out
what I was carrying
in burdens
to make room
for you.
I am blessed.

Yours forever, Andrea

Saturday, October 18, 2008

Dear God,

I wander in the minds of saints and mystics. Their quest for a higher consciousness of faith teaches me to acknowledge, accept and participate in my own personal spiritual pilgrimage. I leave no day behind in my thirst for you.

I learn day by day the need for greater trust in you. Whether my day is filled with celebration and growth or disappointment and sorrow, my trust for you is the same. I can effect change in my life but how much more do I grow when I purposefully link myself with you. My daily journey includes you, like the air I breathe.

In the book I am reading, The Desert Pilgrim, I find a kinship to Mary searching for faith and healing. I travel with her in her own quest for change and transformation. I have been where she was, looking for a new spiritual home. At each moment of her healing I realize your creative generosity. I see the way you work, the people you work through. I witness a gentle, tender power that desires a healing for the whole world.

I find there are people whose longing for God has lead them to gifts of the Spirit. I see the ways in which humble people become pathways to healing, love, joy and peace. I understand their challenges, their questions to fellow pilgrims and I witness how they are agents for healing. I am drawn to read about such people because I see in them the spirit of the saints and mystics. I see a thread connecting them with modern society. I recognize the beautiful way this same spirit has been present throughout all of time, at least in the last several hundred years. I am warmed, knowing your presence through them.

On my journey toward wholeness and fullness with you, these stops along the way teach me. I carry my writing pad with me, jotting down my learnings. Like a sojourner, I carry little with me, a journeyer's robe and a backpack filled with trust and faith. I travel barefoot realizing that every ground is holy ground, no matter what. Any place, any spot on earth can be a site of the sacred. What doubt I carry I give to you again and again. I test my doubt in your light and I learn more about faith and trust.

I like where I am, always on a quest to you.

Oh my God,
you lead me
to pastures
of green
where new life
is always beginning.
I find friends
along the way,
friends who
lead me
to you.
Terese, Francis, Hildegarde,
mystics and saints alike,
modern and ancient,
who model
a pilgrim's heart
and search
for greater meaning.
I am
on this road
with them.
My joy
is full.

Love, Andrea

Friday, October 17, 2008

Dear God,

We sat toward the front, the teen choir on stage and the symphony choir at the back. We were wrapped in "Amazing Grace." I didn't even know our county had a symphony. Hymns and Anthems, the program was named, Hymns and Anthems.

I closed my eyes to "see" the music dance. I wanted to spiritually imagine the gift that must have been rising to heaven. I wondered what you thought, how you felt. Was it just a concert or was there an element of faith emerging from the hearts and souls of the singers?

The great hymns composed centuries ago in Europe stir my heart. I want that stirring; for it keeps me centered, reminding me that one needs to be open to a daily warming of the heart in order to remain focused on the Divine. I felt roused, leaving me with peace.

My soul
clings to you,
my Savior.
I hear
your words
coming from
the mouths
of those
gifted with the
sound of music.
Stir within me,
Gracious God,
shake up
the stagnant parts
of my soul.
Release me
to hear
your voice.
Fill me,
let my vessel
be full,
that it will spill
upon your people.

Loving you always, Andrea

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Dearest God,

I have a monastic heart and soul; I have a soul space where you always reside. I may choose to come, to listen, to follow obediently or I may ignore you. The choice is mine.

I so much resonate with monastic life, a life that begins and ends each day in worship, prayer, hymn singing, silence, and scripture readings. I want to live a disciplined life, one that acknowledges God at the center every day. I want my last day on earth to begin in adoration or to end in praise. I want you on my lips as I part company with earth and seek the One whom I have sought all my life.

Yet, I cannot be a monastic in community; for I am a free spirit. I cannot be confined and regimented for even though I love the daily practice of beginning and ending in worship, I cannot give away my desire to soar in non-traditional ways. My spirit wants to dance; my hands want to praise any time, any way; my voice wants to give way to singing; and my soul wants to let go, releasing myself into your hands. My silence wants to meet your Silence as a way of uniting, a daily, sometimes an hourly reunion, a joy erupting as I silence my words and thoughts for yours.

I once sang in community, "Lord, breathe your spirit; make the face of the earth come alive." From Breaking Bread the words make my spirit come to life. Stirring inside me, I know no joy greater. Your spirit is the force, the power, the gentle persuader that calls my flesh and bone to take notice. Have I forgotten my maker? Have I taken charge of this body of bones? Your spirit calls me to acknowledge I have been made; I did not create myself.

Sister Jean Alice once said my covenant name was Sister Andrea of the Dancing God. And why? Because the God I serve, you Wondrous Creator, is a dancing God, a moving God, one that lives and breathes spirit air, one that seeks out children who are listening and inspires them to move.

I choose a positive life, a life that reaches for the best rather than the worst, one that lifts a half full cup for a refill, not one who finds a cup half empty and becomes more empty as the day goes by. I choose to look up rather than down. I choose you.

I choose you;
yet, do I have
the capacity
to choose you
at all?
Or is my
inner force
your spirit
that motivates,
inspires,
calls me
to choose you?
If your desire
is to unite
as a testimony
to my devotion
for you,
then perhaps
my inner power
is you
and you only.

Only yours, Andrea

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Dear God,

Hidden away in a solitary place, allowing one's own mind the freedom to roam, to seek, to find seems to be a trait of the saints designed to help one's own spiritual condition. The mystics, pilgrim travelers in search of the Sacred Divine all resonate with my own soul.

I'm reading The Desert Pilgrim, a woman suffering from five car accidents, finding herself led to New Mexico where she visits mystery in the barrio. Her desire for healing leads her to her personal historical landmarks of faith. Revisiting the many crucifixes that once were part of her family's tradition and spiritual connection with you seems to want to bring a new age of spiritual restoration and healing to the woman.

Is it possible to revisit the places of the past that brought happiness, joy, connection? Can they bring their own kind of healing? Do they have a spiritual and emotional power that can renew the soul, cleansing it of loss and sorrow?

I can hardly put down the book. So many differences between her and myself, yet many similarities. New Mexico. Saints. Mystics. Hope for healing. New age, at least the openness to the manifestation of God through contemporary thought and practice. God at the deepest level, in the caverns of the soul. The pilgrim journey.

I seem to be doing a spiritual house cleaning. An emotional one too. Perhaps the soul goes through this periodically. Mine is with intentionality. I have found permanent lodging in my soul. In the search for the sacred, I have found my self. She is strong, knows who she is, what she longs for and expects. It is healthy, a trek to wholeness, an affirmation of creation's work in me.

I have thrown off a yoke of self doubt, finding my own self, uniquely made in your image. I like her. Self confident, yet always seeking, changing, being transformed, I like where she is headed. No doubt there is within her a permanent lodging of the Divine. Perhaps she has wandered in the spiritual playground, wandering because she has a thirst for mystery played out in spiritual relationships. She is me.

There is something within me that connects me altogether. That something is a divine resonance. Without it I am but a simple, ordinary flesh and blood character living in the everyday, taking in what I want, throwing out what I don't want, then rolling over into the next day. I want more. I am more.

I once bolted from the seminary building, ran onto the lawn, threw up my arms, tears streaming down my face and I said, "Thank you, thank you, thank you." Everything I had been working toward suddenly came together, a theology, a systematic way of claiming and living my faith. I saw the sense in it and felt it deeply. No longer was I tied to my grandmother's religious love, however beautiful it was for her. I had found my own. I will never forget that historical landmark of faith.

Although this current trek finds me weary, I have found the place in my soul I have searched for all my life. It is at once mystery and familiarity. Somewhere along the way, I must have lost this puzzle piece. Was I robbed of it because perhaps I was different in my way of seeking? Did I forget it, letting it distance itself for decades until I had need of it? Did someone teach me that my own unique relationship with you was not "traditional" enough? How did I lose my way?

Or perhaps I have just finally reached my destination. Maybe this is where my journey has lead me through the years. Maybe I have just discovered my soul self and am finding joy in the meeting.

All this is to say that I have wandered my whole life searching for the treasure of God. My earliest memories are of you. My most prized moments are of you. My greatest gifts are of your making. And so I find myself willing to sit back, to rock a while or perhaps being rocked in the divine cradle, giving thanks.

I am growing into my new self. I've been shedding the old clothes, seeing how they no longer fit. Like a new babe, I am trusting even as I claim my union with the body that has carried me for so long.

My pilgrimage
has led me
to where
I am.
My self
is no longer restless.
I know
who I am.
I know
my value,
the worth
given me
at my conception.
I have accepted
the words
you have offered.
"You are
my own beloved child."
I have taken up
residence with
my self
and with you
who has made me.
I am content.

Loving you always, Andrea

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Dear God,

The sound of bells tolling calls my heart to attention. Who am I changes to Whose am I. I listen, fall back, each sound recalling to mind the hundreds of bells I have heard throughout my lifetime. Churches, always churches, the call of Jesus.

As a simple follower, I am momentarily stopped from my worries or concerns; I come to attention to the Lord of the universe. I pause and quietly remember your goodness to me. My being realizes this is yet another moment to celebrate and praise you. Your many kindnesses have softened my heart making it easier to steal my attention. I smile.

So often I go on a hunt for you as if I am going to see more than I've seen before. Like I need more, like what I have is not enough. I forget this life is not about accumulating more but rather reveling in what I have been given. More? Do I really need more? Or is what I have already experienced more than enough for a lifetime?

Yes, I want more of you. I admit it. But I know that until I am content with what I have received at your hand, I may indeed not receive more. My challenge is to sit with what I have, knowing and experiencing its value once again. I have so much. My bucket is overflowing with your grace and mercy. The scent of forgiveness warms my heart; for what value can I place on it? And love, the wrappings of agape teach me there is no greater love.

I hear the bells tolling, a reminder of whose I am and what I have been given. No more is needed.

You have stolen
my heart,
O Great God
of the universe.
I am
but a small child
in faith,
one who has not learned yet
the great value
of what
I already possess.
Attune my heart
and mind
to you
so that
I shall live
every day
in the light
remembering
and giving back
through devotion
and thanksgiving.

Love, Andrea

Monday, October 13, 2008

Dearest God,

Dead leaves lay at my feet. Autumn is doing her thing. Resistant at first, she finally lets go, releasing the beautiful artistry she has revealed. Each leaf is its own creation, like a Master Artist painting each one uniquely. But the time comes when letting go is the call and the leaf dies. But the tree lives to create again.

I think my spiritual life is like Autumn. With you I partner in the experience of creation. Something new comes inside me and in due time I too reveal the new thing. My spirit feels new, young and innocent, pure and beautiful, unique. I dance the dance of Spring, continuing into Summer allowing you to breathe upon me, moving me effortlessly in the wind of your spirit.

And then one day I look and something has changed. I look and feel different. I see new colors, a new texture to my life. At first I don't know what to make of it but then I realize I have entered a new phase and I try to go with it, trusting this to be your work. And just when I give myself more fully to this transformation, I begin to experience a strange feeling and I have to acknowledge that a leave taking is coming. I am urged to let go, to release that which I came to love in order for my whole being to cocoon allowing time for my inner self to be strengthed for the new season of creation. This cycle of life like the seasons of time teaches me not to hold on long to any one new thing because to do so is to stagnate, to get mired down, to put too much trust in what I have "attained" rather than giving myself to the wind of the spirit that will blow as it needs to in my life.

I felt sad looking down at the crumpled, brown dead leaves. Yet, even this is part of life.

Trusting you,
I wish
to allow myself
to ride
upon the wind
of change,
to trust
the wind
wherever
it takes me.
I want
to be free
to ride,
to release
and let go
whenever
the call comes.
I want
to be yours
fully,
not to
hold back,
but to let go,
becoming more
what you want.
Teach me, Lord,
I pray.

Love, Andrea

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Dear God,

Is suffering the most common path to faith? Does one have to live in deprivation in order to achieve the highest level of spiritual consciousness?

I'm drawn to the mystics and saints because of the degree of their faith. It appears their thirst for you was heightened by the level of their suffering. I read and listen to their voices crying out for you. I hear the voice of longing, of searching, pilgrim voices crying out in their own wilderness.

These seekers of faith appear willing to give all in order to meet you at the highest possible level. They are open to sacrificing their own comfort, material wealth, pride, everything in order to touch you for a moment in time. More often than not, it seems their sacrifices led them to suffering and suffering led them to you. Or perhaps their suffering led them to sacrifice which led them to you.

Oh God, do our belongings stand in the way of you? Does our desire for physical and material comfort hinder us from participating fully in your life? Is faith the "reward" for sacrifice and/or suffering? And is spiritual consciousness the way we truly connect with you?

I look back at my own life. And to the degree of my suffering, I connected with you in the deepest ways of faith. Circumstances and my desperation, my longing for you seem to have opened doors in ways doors had not been open before. In those precipitous moments I stepped inside you. It was not like meeting a person on a street corner. It was a stepping inside a world, foreign, yet familiar. A world where peace reigns, where harmony is simply the coming together of the human and the divine. There is a love like no other, a sense of belonging, a meaningful uniting of forces that meld together creating something holy, pure and beautiful, mysterious to say the least. There is a joy like none I have encountered in the earthly experience. It's like all the stuff of life, all the emotions and pain and troubles come into a healing light where a genuine warmth and new air are available. To breathe in this new air is to be without pollutants, anything harmful. For the moment, all is clear and clean. Hope doesn't have the same longing in it because there is no need for hope because the place is where we pray hope will lead us.

Perhaps it is living inside a miracle or maybe this is the most real world that exists. Maybe this is the greatest attainment in life. Yet, it is not one that a person can achieve on one's own. No amount of "greatness" or worthiness can get us there. It is your work, your power, your what? Does suffering open that door?

I bow down
at your feet,
God Most Holy.
My thoughts,
my desires,
hopes and dreams
melt away
when I
open myself fully
to you.
Your ways
become my own
at that moment.
I want
what you want.
I love
who or what
you love.
O God,
how do I
remain at your feet,
listening to your voice,
following obediently?
Teach me, Lord,
I am yours.

Love, Andrea

Saturday, October 11, 2008

Dear God,

I sat in the circle talking about the need to make a decision. I urged the group to take a stand, to move forward, to be courageous. I spoke candidly about the need to trust God to help us make the right decision. I believe the best minds were present to do the job.

Although I was tired from last night's great event, I knew how important this meeting was. I knew I had to bring with me my best wisdom. But I also knew I had to come to you before I went to them. I knew my wisdom had to be yours.

One of my learnings from you has been that leadership is best when we know we need to begin at your feet. It is not about sharing everything about leading but rather knowing where to begin and who to begin with, then taking the steps necessary to fulfill your will.

As we talked I saw the hesitation, the reluctance, the fear. I heard it in their voices and saw it on their faces. But I also know this is the only group who can take the step of faith for the congregation. I know it like I know my own heart beat. They are the ones, hand selected while I sat at your feet.

Although I am facing a deep weariness and know that I will soon step down from my appointed position, I still love the church and want your will to be fulfilled for her. I know her promise, her possibilities and I believe her greatest days of service are yet to unfold. I believe there is ahead a great coming together to march to the spirit's tune.

I know my own call is to shepherd, to lead with a gentle persuasion, to show the possibilities for the future both good and bad depending on decisions made, and to give hope. And I love giving hope to the hopeless, to the despairing because I believe hope originates in you.

Hope-filled God,
how good
it is
to be
in your presence,
to feel
the leading
of your spirit.
Lead us,
O Lord,
lead us
to your will,
to your promised land.
May we be attentive
to your voice,
to your guidance,
I pray.

Love, Andrea

Friday, October 10, 2008

Dearest God,

A day filled with details. So much to do, yet in my spirit, I wanted to take time to give thanks. As we got closer to our mission auction dinner, I prayed for your blessing. It was, after all, all about you.

As people gathered with joy being spoken, I realized what joy there is in your gatherings. I see it on the faces of your people. In an economic downturn they still came. They still wanted to be there. They still wanted to share in your good news. They still wanted to share in the joy. They still wanted to be part of something important. They still wanted to be together.

I am amazed at the resilience of your people in hard times. I am warmed by their desire to live faith's life in the world. I am inspired to let faith grow more in my own life when I see it being lived out by others.

As this day ended and total weariness set in, I still paused to give thanks...to you.

I saw
only one person
tonight.
You.
I saw
you.
I saw
you
in the meal,
in the laughter,
in the teasing,
in the play,
in the competition,
in the music,
in the moments
in between.
I saw
you
tonight,
I saw
you.

Love, Andrea

Thursday, October 9, 2008

Dear God,

I feel the weight, the burden of much to do. So many little details hanging loose, needing to be tied up, tied to something, completed. Some days I carry a great deal. The pack on my back is heavy and full; it threatens to weigh me down. But I keep on walking.

Do I pause throughout my day to attend to your spirit leading? Do I notice you in all the scenes around me? Do I listen carefully to the spirit's call? Do I stand quietly in silence waiting for you? Do I recognize that life is all about the spirit's movement?

I believe it is possible to walk through a 24 hour day without a moment's notice of your life at work in the world. I believe it is possible to ignore the signs of your presence. I believe it is possible to live a self-centered life without regard to a life bigger than my own. But why would I want to? Why would I be satisfied with stick figures on a white canvas rather than a colorful canvas filled with specialized textures and paints? Why would I want to walk in a world of my own making rather than stop to see what I have not? Why would I want to focus on my own voice when I can listen to the sweetest voice in the cosmos?

I sometimes fail to tune in to the great spirit of creation. Yet, my soul notices that I have missed something. I feel the effects of lost time with you. I feel smaller without a sense of spiritual power that allows me to see the world through a mystical lens. I see, yes, but what I see is flat, without the fullness of beauty. I hear, yes, but only what a human is capable of hearing. I miss the nuances, the sounds of the spirit.

Oh Lord, I want my life to be what you have forseen it to be, what you designed it to be, what you know it can be. I want my life to be just as you have made it to be. I want to live fully in your spirit light. I want to be obedient to each day's call, every moment's desire. I want my will to match your own. I want to want what you want.

On this Thursday day, I want to savor what I know and believe of you. I want this day and every day to be a celebration of your life in the world. I want to dance the dance of joy just knowing that I am a child of the King, a child of the universe, a child of the Living God.

Help me
honor you
in my life.
Help me
become truly
a child
of the Living God.
Help me
live life fully
in your spirit.
Help me
delight you
in my attitudes
and actions.
Help me
spread joy,
the joy
of eternity
just because.
Help me
trust more
so I may be
more free
to be
your own creation.

Love, Andrea

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Dear God,

What wonders are wrought when searching for the God of the universe? What can one find when seeking with a whole heart?

Negativity, an unfounded life without hope and promise for a better future, outcome, or goal constantly eats away at faith and trust in God. It is an emphatic No! to the possibilities you wish to lay at our feet. One does not have to look for anything else; negativity spreads across every arena in life.

Do you remember those periods, those moments in history when I lay in the puddle of hopelessness, of despairing thoughts that a condition or situation, my own to be specific, would never change? Locked into negative thinking, I simply remained in my own muck. Only when you pushed and shoved me, only when you painted a picture for me to see, only when you sang me the song of the universe could I dare move, take one step forward.

Three years ago you showed me a better way. You opened the dark doors and windows to my soul and you let the light shine in. A guiding ray has lead me ever since. Darkness toys with me but light wins my heart.

Yet, there are days when those around me who continue in the dark, who insist that darkness has won and will continue to rule, chip away at my own hope. Like a state of constant darkness, I have to carry my own light, a guiding beam in order to remain atop the dark deep that nips at my heels.

I realize that faith is the answer. Faith that light has the power to overcome every darkness, faith that can conquer the forces of evil that challenge me every day in some way or another. I believe that faith is the added love that you throw in for good measure that helps me rise up, to say a positive word, to live in hope and promise. And faith is, after all, your goodness alive within me whispering the beauty of a life with you.

Holy, holy, holy,
my own heart
cries out.
You are holy.
Your word
is the final word
and the final word
is always hope.
And what is hope?
Hope is
love in the now.
It is taking hold
of that which holds
the universe,
all of creation.
It is the joy
of a life
lived with you.
It is trust,
knowing and believing
that there is
a great reason
to be alive
from the inside out.
It is you
by yet another name.

Love always, Andrea

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Dear God,

I sat with my 16 year old granddaughter, a miracle gift you gave me nearly a year ago. In the company of two of her friends, she shared that she had gone to church Sunday morning, the church where I had said good bye to her 14 years earlier. Do you remember when I held her in my arms and pointed out the cross to her? Do you remember when I told her about your love for her and mine? Do you remember when I kissed her little cheek and told her whenever she saw the cross to remember God's love for her and my love as well?

Full circle, you brought my granddaughter full circle, only she didn't even know it. Her friend had invited her to attend church with him. With a baseball sized tumor in his brain, he is a member of my former church. He will soon have surgery and many will pray for him, including my granddaughter and me. He took my grandchild to the last place we had been together before she left for 13 years.

She told me she attends church. I had no idea. For a year and a half she has participated in church with her best friend. A United Methodist Church. I invited her to come to my church and she told me she would love to the next time she is down. The possibility is miraculous to me, yet another sign of your wondrous, loving power.

You weave
your people together.
Not because
we deserve it,
and not because
we are worthy.
It is yet
another gift,
a miracle gift
of eternity's love.
Eternity fell
on me
last Sunday
and upon
my granddaughter.
Together
we experienced
the power
of miracle.
My heart
is full,
overflowing,
remembering,
celebrating
your grace,
full of mercy.

Always yours, Andrea

Monday, October 6, 2008

Dear God,

I am more convinced, more convicted of faith in ministry and the church. I believe that faith must be at the heart of everything I do. At the same time I believe I must be attuned to ways of practicing faith that takes into account reason and context.

I have witnessed faith used as a weapon to damage and destroy. I have seen faith used to damage the soul, breaking down the mind's resources. I have seen faith used to manipulate. I have witnessed faith used to rob the soul of its purity and innocence. But I have also known the wonders faith has brought to the whole person. I have seen faith touch people in the most vulnerable places, giving hope, peace and joy. I have seen faith bubble up, bringing life to a nearly dead body, mind and soul. I have witnessed faith's ability to restore and renew.

I wonder sometimes how faith operates in the worship service. I wonder what happens inside the souls sitting in the congregation. I wonder how faith is speaking to the human condition. I wonder how open people really are to you, Lord. I wonder.

As we are experiencing hard times in our world right now, I believe faith has answers, ways of leading people. keeping people afloat in proper and helpful ways. I believe faith can hold us while the world rocks, reacting to one another's losses and sorrows. I believe faith can sing a cradle song to each one of us, giving us the ability to live, sacrifice, compromise and wait until crises pass, however long they may be.

I believe faith, my faith in you, my faith in hope and trust in you, will motivate and inspire others as I remain truly connected to you, like the branches with the vine story in the Bible. I'm surely not the vine, you are, but I have been working a long time to listen, to follow, to be obedient, to walk with you. I have felt the corrections you have made in my own soul, painful cuttings teaching me my need for you and your need for me to follow willingly, obediently, bringing hope, peace, help to your people. Such a call reminds me of the cost of discipleship.

Perhaps this is
the time
when we,
your people,
will return
to you.
Perhaps some
of us
will go further,
leading your people
from anguish and sorrow
to hope and peace.
Perhaps faith
will be restored
or even come
to life
if never before tapped.
Perhaps this is
the time
for a renewal,
a revival
of faith.
Perhaps
this is
the time
to drop
to our knees
to cherish
your relationship
to us.
Perhaps
this is truly
the time
for faith.

Love, Andrea

Sunday, October 5, 2008

Dear God,

I looked out among my flock this morning. As we sang, I remembered their stories of struggle, pain, sorrow, loss, disappointment, hurt. I recalled the conquerings, the movement of faith, the yes to surrender, the courage and strength that came directly from your heart and hand. I saw your word of hope for many, how they have trusted and risen up to follow you, sometimes in very painful ways. Their singing reminded me that we can move through pain to victory.

And then I saw those whose struggle is not over. A cancer patient, one who recently lost everything, a trying marriage, one who fears for her children, another whose health is a trial, and one who has lost a friend. I wonder if you are big enough to help each one. But the prayers, the Word, the lyrics to the songs, and the spirit itself tells me you are always big enough and I smile back, raising my eyes to the heavens singing out your praise.

The months of my ministry are numbered now. As each month goes by, there is one less month to serve your church. And I realize how blessed I am even for the sufferings I have faced and continue to share with your beloved ones.

And so at day's end, I see their faces and give thanks.

Most Loving God,
I hold on
to each blessing.
The golden thread
of your love
has connected me
to your beloved.
In some cases
the threads
are worn, frayed,
yet have held strong.
There are others
that have felt
the knife's cut,
the rip,
the tear,
the loss.
I must
let go,
allowing the threads
to take hold
where they will
and celebrate
the seasons
of your grace
and compassion.
I am yours,
my Beloved,
I am yours.
Hold on
to my thread
into eternity,
I pray.

Love, Andrea

Saturday, October 4, 2008

My dearest God,

I cling to the Rock of the Ages during moments of uncertainty. You come or rather I come to you, Stone Rock Faith, and I linger there finding joy and a spirit of unity.

I sat among my brothers and sisters, nearly 5,000 of them. As we sang songs of faith, I was reminded of my call, my ordination, my challenge to live a high standard. What I do makes a difference as I follow your lead, as I unite with the body, the body of your son.

Sometimes I wander, wondering the meaning of it all, wondering how things will turn out in varying parts of my own life, of the church, of the world. I wander, yes, but I carry with me all the tools you have given me for every day living. And when I take a turn, a turn that will lead me to places I'd rather not go, I realize I must follow the path, readying myself to meet you. The way is not always sweet but neither is it sour since any path I take will ultimately take me to you. No road is a dead end in and of itself. Every road will lead me to you. What shape I will be in depends on where and why I have chosen the particular path.

I had to acknowledge that I was with other brothers and sisters of faith, those who have said yes to ministry and have found the road difficult at times. Yet at the same time these are people who have still remained faithful to the call, who have decided every day to say yes once again. They have lived in the trenches of hard times but have found you very present to lead and guide them. The trenches may be muddy and slippery and precarious but the certainty of your presence makes the going easier. When I can acknowledge that you are present in every situation and go deliberately into painful places feeling your leading, then I know I am in the right place at the right time.

I felt your spirit well up within me. I felt your inspiring hope. I knew that I was not alone. I knew your spirit power and I drank it in, remembering the well of your living water. I thought to myself that I was taking in what I needed for the days, weeks and months ahead. By the end it is my prayer that I will have lived faithful to the call by your grace.

Son of God,
Living Well Water,
I stand
as one
among many.
I count
and recount
the cost
of servanthood.
The great
high calling
teaches me
why I was called
in the first place.
Because my heart
was open
to you,
you came in
and dwelt within.
And as you tarried,
you whispered
my purpose
to serve you.
Humbled,
in disbelief
of my worthiness,
I said yes
nonetheless.
My wanderings
and wonderings
take me back
to you
again.
Oh, may my heart
always long
to serve you,
Wondrous Lover
of my Soul
and Creator.
In you
I find
my greatest joy.

Love always, Andrea

Friday, October 3, 2008

Dear God,

We sang together, "We have been told, we've seen his face, and heard his voice...". How many times have I dwelt in your tent, listening to your voice? How often have I found myself in the depths of the deep with you?

I think it was the bell ringing that first heightened my awareness of your presence. How many bells did I hear chiming in Europe, calling a people to be alert to the presence of God? It was through such moments that I was told, I saw your face, I heard your voice. This bell reminded me of those.

The miracles of faith are recounted in my mind when I hear the bells toll. For me they are a call to remember, to pause and recall, to reflect and savor the precious moments of grace, of exceptional love, of compassion and mercy. They always draw me back to you.

The signs and sounds of faith are ever present. I can see, hear, taste, and touch eternity. I don't have to go hunting or wander off into the far country to experience the livingness of faith. I have only to travel into the tunnels of my mind to reach you.

As I listen to the women sing their individual parts, I know I am at eternity's door. I know that we are of one mind, each one seeking the Highest, the Holiest, the Great One of Heaven, the Light Shining in the Darkness.

Momentary experiences of light and faith hold me during darker times. They bolster my belief and my commitment to walk in the way of my Lord. These formative moments offer even more of you, yet another memory to cherish as I walk the rest of my days on earth. I have only to pause a moment, take in my surroundings, and allow my memory to flood with you.

The bells toll
offering me
eternity's hand.
I reach out
and you
grab hold.
We partner
in the dance
of faith
and light.
In the awe
of the moment
I dare
to proclaim
my love
for you,
remembering always
your love
for me,
for all.
The bells,
the voices,
the light
shining.

Honoring you, Andrea

Thursday, October 2, 2008

Dear God,

I made fun of someone today, not to their face, of course, but I did make fun. I laughed and laughed and laughed. The person will never know. I would never want to purposefully hurt another person. But I gave in to my lower nature to laugh about something someone did.

I know laughing is a good thing. It clears the cobwebs stored up in the soul, mind and body. But at someone else's expense is never good, even though the person will never know it. A chuckle started in my soul and I simply couldn't stop it. I am sorry.

What is the way of Jesus? Did he laugh? Did he get tickled by some small thing? Did he guffaw at least once? Or was he always serious? How did he handle matters that brought humor into a situation? How do I handle my own "funny" bone?

It seems as though everything in life has a lesson. I either learn it or I don't. Perhaps I pick up a piece today and maybe a few days down the road I will get another piece until I learn the full lesson. And although I may learn it, I may or may not put it into practice.

Each day even before I crawl out of bed as I begin in prayer, "Oh Lord, bless this world and all her inhabitants...", I want to wait for you, listen to your call, follow obediently. And I know that in order for me to understand that call and to follow obediently, I need to make sure of my own psychological health. If I am not grounded in you, if I do not daily place myself in your hands, if I do not keep myself psychologically healthy, then I could follow anyone, anything. I could easily be misled, become obsessed with something, lose my way and then what?

I believe I must be attentive to your way, your tenderness, your love, your challenges. I have to be careful that I don't revise your rules in order to live in harmony with my own. I have to be aware of how I am living, if I am in line with you or worshipping my own hand-fashioned god. I have to pause, allow you to make the assessment, listen. Then I have to do my own check. Is this for the greater good? Is the word meant to be harmful or helpful to someone else? Is this the loving way?

Help me discern
your voice,
O God.
Help me
tune in
to your will,
not my own.
Help me
be still,
calm
and ready
to follow.

Loving you, Andrea

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Dear God,

While drinking at this morning's well of living water, I reflect upon my yesterday. I think about conversations with people in varying stages of their life. Younger, older, sicker, dying. And I am left with the seasons of life.

I spoke with a woman who had just returned from New England who said she literally watched the leaves change color and how beautiful they were. I think of how the seasons of life can all be beautiful in their own time.

I thought about my own season, where I am right now and what it is you are teaching me. Clearly I am in the Autumn of my life. Perhaps some of my "leaves" are becoming more beautiful, full of color. I think some of my leaves have already turned brown and fallen to the ground, never to rise again. And yet, I know within me there is still a spring and summer left inside. At least one.

It seems that one thing remains constant in the changing of the seasons. And that is trust. We have to carry trust with us from one season to the next. If we let it go with the passing season, then we will not be equipped for the upcoming one. There are, after all, some things that are carried from one season to to the next.

At yesterday's well where I received my gifts of the day, I realize today every one was a gift of trust. I can't believe the light is shining even when the darkness has fallen unless I have trust. I could never have reconnected with a sister who left our family years ago without trust.

I think the "well" gift today is one of trust, a recognition that trust is the one fundamental footing to all other gifts. Without it, love withers. Faith falls apart. Hope dissolves. Strength is gone.

As I sit and drink from this wondrous well, I recount the times that trust has brought me closer to you, how it has lifted me, guided me, helped me, held me. I may sit a little longer this morning, drinking in the trust you have built inside me. I may linger, giving praise and giving thanks. And maybe that is my second "well" gift of the morning. The ability to be grateful, to express gratitude. Trust and gratitude, today's well gifts.

I walked
to the well
early this morning.
I met
you there.
You were waiting
for me.
My gifts
sat by the well.
They always do.
But more
than that.
Your love
provided them.
Yet another gift.
The gift
of discernment.
I'm blessed.

Love, Andrea