Friday, October 30, 2009

Dear God,

I continue to do a virtual study on the lectionary readings with my covenant group. I am being challenged daily by my learnings. Because you are the author of these teaching moments, I am sending to you what I wrote them.

Isaiah 25:6-9

I have tasted this feast of God in my own darkness. A moment of light, a renewed hope, peace in the midst of chaos, joy in sorrow have all served as feasts in the midst of difficulties. Those feasts feed me when I am hungry for whatever I lack. Only God has the power to truly feed us in our pain and suffering. What else can? Only God can wipe away constant tears from losses. Perhaps the greatest challenge in humanity's life is the ability to discover a feast when no food is available. God's feast can get us through the next moment, the next minute, hour and day. While I imagine a greater day beyond this earthly life, I believe we need to find manna from heaven when we can't find the "food" we are seeking.

Psalm 24

As I continue to look at the "underworld", the invisible beyond the visible perhaps where God is most present, I realize there are some situations in the temporary moment that are insolvable. Starving people need food. Yet often their own governments do not care. The world may be sending money to feed them, yet if their own leaders do not feed them with these gifts, they will have nothing to eat. Where is God in this? Each person on the face of this lonely earth needs something. When there is no food to eat, when there is no love or help or goodness or beauty, where can we turn in our want? It seems that God can feed us even down to our death.

A member of my former church is a refuge from Liberia. She lived in refugee camps. She was standing next to her uncle when he was shot and killed by rebels. When she bent to help him, they threatened to kill her too. She had to keep walking. When her 18 month old son died in her arms because there was no medicine to take care of a simple illness, she desperately needed "food" and God gave it to her. She has a thousand stories of food in the desert wasteland of her own life.

There is a great deal of injustice the world over. Like Jesus said, "the poor will be with us always." Poor can mean different things. Yes, I too have traveled to Palestinian refuge camps. I have listened to their stories. I have stood in the middle of Egypt's garbage city where three generations of undesirables have given birth. Nothing is afforded them. Yet I have heard stories where they have found "food". I have been to Ghana and heard stories of hunger, yet I have heard stories of "feasts" of God coming to them. I witnessed "food" in Russia in 1988 among believers who have little to nothing. What a joy to celebrate 1000 years of Christianity with people who took faith seriously, who felt that faith was food.

In our nonsensical world where we worry about perfectly stupid things, perhaps we need to spend more time in the underworld in order to understand our own needs and wants and our responsibilities to our neighbor. My heart is purified when I realize that God is the only one that can truly clean a heart. How many days is my heart really pure, my hands really clean? I can stand a whole day washing both and what do I end up with? Dirty hands and an impure heart. Why? Because I generally forget the first commandment to love the Lord my God with all my being and I don't care for my neighbor as I am called. How many people could I feed if I sold my house and gave the money to the poor?

Like my friends, I too ascend the hill of the Lord where I find God waiting to care for me. God gives me much more than I am worth. I am filled to overflowing just at the sweet touch of his hand. It's true gates can lift their heads, doors can be opened simply because God has walked by. I am the answer to my brother or sister's dilemma when they are hungry. I have the means when I really look at myself. Perhaps instead of "feeding" myself full of the feast, I need to go out and rally my neighbors telling them where the feast is, showing them the way to God after I have fed them a good meal.

Revelation 21:1-6a

In my suffering I need to read this. In fact I should read this each morning before I rise. This one passage is enough to give a hungry person food, a hopeless person hope, a lost person found, a despairing person faith. If I read this each morning I could walk in faith believing that even if I am starving of whatever, God will make me new. God will care for me. The world is not perfect; never will it be. And God will pretty much never work in our desired timeline. Death does come to all of us. No way to get around it. Perhaps our answers, our solutions to life problems will not come in this lifetime.

In my visible world I have difficulties to which I may not know an answer. But when I go underground and wander the world of the invisible, I am able to witness what I could not see on the surface. This newness of life exists there. Maybe that's why so many get ticked with God because all they/we can see is what we see. We judge that there is no more. The new waits for me and you and our neighbors. In the meantime the old lingers and I can help my neighbor by feeding, wiping tears, giving joy and hope.

John 11:32-44

How many places am I bound? My friends bound? My neighbors bound? Isn't this what it means to love God with all of me and my neighbor as myself? Because I am bound to God, I need to help in the unbinding of others. Doesn't Cindy do that at the hospital? Doesn't Susan do that in her denomination and through counselling? Doesn't Jan do that with all her churches and pastors? Doesn't Bill do that at Greenwood? Don't we do it in our families and with our friends? You have unbound me and I trust I have aided in your unbinding.

Death is always a breath away in some part of life. It lurks at every corner. I can succumb to death several times a day when I refuse to take God's hand or feed myself with heaven's manna.

I think Jesus' tears are all about us not getting it. For the most part we don't get it. God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit are treated as if they have come to do what I want or need. They are just personal gods intended to meet my needs, desires and wants. When do we in our light or our darkness exist to praise God with our whole self without asking for something? If we accepted the fact that we were made for God rather than God made for us, wouldn't we live differently? Does God care about every concern we have? Absolutely. But when we start operating as persons who live for God rather than God living for us, perhaps our world will be new, our people will be fed, injustice would stop, people would stop oppressing one another, good would defeat evil, light would live forever. Sounds like eternity, doesn't it?

Our readings force me to look deeper, dig down further and further. I am always being called to learn something new, accept something more bold, to act more in faith and less out of fear and to love those around me. This is a power-full exercise. Thanks to all of you.

Thank you for these learnings, Gracious God.

Love, Andrea

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Dear God,

Dark days will come but the light will always shine. I have learned this truth from my own experience.

Today was gray and rainy. Usually I enjoy a day like today. But for a while I was overcome with my own darkness. I couldn't seem to shake my moodiness. So I just spent the day in tears as I worked on a writing project.

The light broke through as I listened to a new CD entitled, Pipings and Songs, A Musical Journey for the Spirit, I just received from a dear friend. Caroline is not only a professor of voice, she is a creative, talented vocalist. Having just produced a CD with her organ professor friend Carla, she sent me a copy with her very early Christmas letter. I put on her CD and listened as her voice climbed to great heights singing about the divine. I read the words as the music played, "Always, always here in the brightest light through the darkest, longest night; God is always here in the brightest light."

I find myself wondering how it is that light can shine so brightly through the darkness, how hope can rise out of hopelessness and beauty can come from the most unlikely sources. It is you, O God; you have a penchant for the sacred process of transformation. Those with eyes will see it daily.

And so at this day's end, I give thanks and praise as you wipe the tears from my face.

Light-Giving God,
why do
you care
so much?
We do
so little
to cheer up
the world,
to provide
hope and joy
to others,
and to make
a difference
to humanity
around us.
Yet,
O Lord,
when we
are captured
by your light,
we too shine
as a beacon
in the dark.
Keep us mindful
of our privilege
and responsibility.

Love, Andrea

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

My dearest God,

Faith is a bumpy ride. On a recent airplane trip, the clouds had their say tossing the plane up and down and side to side. Fishtailing onto the tarmac was scary and we wondered if the plane would do as designed to move straight forward or slide and crash. The pilot kept control and we finally taxied to our destination. In the end all was well.

It seems that faith is like that ride. Just when I think I am riding high in faith, trusting you wholly, I find myself hitting one of those bumps. I too am tossed to and fro not quite sure where I will end up. I get that ominous feeling in my stomach and I wonder if I too will survive the ride.

Yet just as I walked away from the plane unhurt, so do I move in faith mostly unscathed. It doesn't mean I don't get tumbled around or that I don't give in to fear; it just means that the bumps remind me that life is not free from ups and downs. Neither is it free of your presence. Just as I had the sense that you were holding us in the air so do I know you hold me in the jostling moments in life. The bumps give me the opportunity to cry out, "Abba, Father!"

Good and Gracious God,
I ride
the bumps
with you,
knowing you
own the wind
and the rain.
Allow me
to give you praise,
Wondrous Savior.
I love you.

As always, Andrea

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Dearest God,

Coming to know one's self with weaknesses and strengths is a gift. I am an overcomer! By God's grace I have overcome breast cancer, estrangement in my family and challenges in the church. At times I have felt so fragile and weak that I was not sure I would be able to draw the next breath let alone rise from my bed. But in my vulnerable estate, I turned to you.

In these last days I have been flooded with new images. For so long I have pictured life one way; I have seen only hurt and pain. And then something changed and I began to paint a new picture, a simple scene, a good life. But these last several weeks an even greater vision has come. Daily I am bombarded with scenes of yet another life.

I did not open the door to a different way of thinking. I couldn't. I was too weak. I had to regain strength and perspective. I had to trust you more to lead me beside still waters. You were looking to restore my soul. In gentle pastures of love, hope and beauty healing has come, one small step at a time.

On the day I wrote my 1500th letter to you, a door swung open wide. That new vision appeared and has been with me ever since. I have not been able to shake it. I decided to take a look, let it happen. And that is when I realized my healing has come full circle.

Standing at an intersection of hope, freely able to walk in any direction is an amazing event. Remaining there is not an option. I must decide where to go, in what direction. Yet, I sense you await me at the end of each path.

The first step toward a new life is always forgiveness. Forgiveness opens more doors to joy, new gifts yet unknown and endless possibilities. What I know is that forgiveness is the opening to your will. Forgiveness unlocks the heart to feel again. Forgiveness makes breathing easier; it leads to a renewal of life. When you don't have to hold on to the yucky stuff to give you a feeling of invulnerability, a person is free to live again, to celebrate life, to give thanks.

I have come to terms with myself. I understand more and I want to act upon your gracious gift to me. I want to live out of strength rather than out of weakness. In a counselling session with a couple decades ago my husband told them they needed to come together out of strength, not out of weakness. I want to live out of strength that comes from you recognizing I am not a tower of strength because I too have clay feet that occasionally crumble. I too need help.

Today is a new beginning, tomorrow a new decision.

I recognize
your greatness,
Almighty God.
Powerful,
yet gentle,
you embrace
each of us
with the
love of
a gracious parent.
I find
myself marveling
in the
awesome wonder
of it all.
I stand amazed,
hopeful,
in joy
with you
and myself,
Glorious God.
Your love
has won
me over.

Love, Andrea

Monday, October 26, 2009

Dear God,

Knowing wisdom is like finding a great pearl in a field.

I have known my daughter as an embryo and then as an infant. I have known her as a young child and as a teenager. I have known her as a young adult, as a wife, mother and mature adult. I am now meeting my daughter as a wisdom bearer.

I have witnessed my child's pilgrim journey. Close up and from a distance I have watched her make her way through the high mountains and low valleys, along her life's turning and twisting path, during stormy weather and clear days and in the midst of hazy uncertainty and difficult moments. Out of sight most of the time I have followed closely behind.

Today I have seen her in a luminous light, the light of your Son. Carrying light deep within her she is exuding faith, knowledge and wisdom. Her words reflect a well-traveled journey, known to have visited fear, darkness, doubt, and pain. She has emerged from the gray fog more confident and self assured allowing an ancient faith to guide her.

In my own time of wondering and questioning, I have called out for wisdom's voice. In Maine she is with me.

Speak your word,
dearest God,
the word
of truth.
Let the sting
of truth
be the door
to new beginnings,
I pray.

Love, Andrea

Sunday, October 25, 2009

Dearest God,

Trust, where did I learn trust? A godly grandmother taught me about trusting you. In her simple ways she exhibited a deep trust in you. She prayed and believed her prayers were heard. Because she believed you loved her, she trusted your promise to love her forever. Therefore, she expressed her love to others based on that simple understanding.

I am being called to trust like never before. You are asking me to prove my faithfulness by submitting myself to your will. As I found myself spiraling downward for months, eventually I felt myself being caught in the divine net. I had to trust that I would go no further but acting in faith I had to take steps of trust in order for healing to begin. That process has continued, taking me to new heights of understanding. I am looking at myself in this new light.

As healing took place over time, at some point my actions took on more responsible behavior. I recognized that my gain had come by trusting you to help me. I learned more about myself, my own foibles but also my strengths. I accepted them as gifts and found renewed courage to wrestle with my flawed expectations, attitudes and actions. As I discovered hidden truths, I struggled to rise to higher levels of faith. I trusted more in you, in myself and in others. As I tested out my new wings, I allowed the breath of your spirit to lift me higher and higher where I was able to see more and more. Flying among the saints and angels I grabbed hold of precious gems like discernment, insight, illumination and wisdom. As I settled back to earth, I took hold of the reigns of my life trusting your grace to lead me.

Holy God,
Almighty and Everlasting,
I rest
at your feet.
Like Mary
I simply
want to remain,
to listen,
to marvel,
and to ask
for courage
to trust you more.
I want
to live
a life
of faith,
knowing that
my steps
have followed
the feet
of the Master.
Make it so,
dear God,
I pray.

Love, Andrea

Saturday, October 24, 2009

Dearest God,

It's a revolution of thought, a shift in power and authority. Moving from my will to your will requires a willfulness on my part. I have to be a willing participant in the transfer.

To come under the power and authority of the almighty is to acknowledge and accept my human part in the divine movement. It is a case of trusting wholly in you. I cannot hold back even a minute piece; I must give all of me to you to be obedient, to follow your lead without the smallest trace of a predetermined or expected outcome.

How can I be called a follower if I do not follow? Every time I try to lead, to influence your decision about my life, I run amok. There are times when you have allowed me to play out my plan. You have given me what I said I wanted. But in the end I was disappointed, first, because I got what I wanted and it really gave me little satisfaction and secondly, because I did not listen to you. I did not take heed of the gentle nudges along the way to turn back, to turn aside, to pause and think, to stop, to reevaluate, confess and start again. Being a follower does not mean fully leading my own life; it means subjecting myself to a higher power.

Many times I have had to clean up my own messes. I have felt ashamed and sorrowful. I have had to confess my own stubbornness. I have crawled into the darkness thinking erroneously that I could hide from you only to discover once again that there is no place hidden from your eyes.

I am sometimes a wandering fool. Yet, you, O God, have called out to me. "Had enough?" Every time warm tears fill and spill and in a clump I sit. In those moments my sin so well known to both of us puddles at your feet. In the light I confess and like a small, weeping child you reach down, lift me up and cradle me in your arms. In those moments of divine embrace, I reunite with the One who waited for me to return. I recognize my need to trust you more than my own desire, my own imagined vision. I have to acknowledge your will is always, always better and I have to start over one more time asking you to lead me.

You are God;
I am simply
one tiny part
of your
great creation.
Yet,
I am made
in your image;
therefore,
I have value
to you.
Give me
sacred balance,
O Lord,
so when
I get
out of kilter,
I will know
to stop,
to look,
to listen
for your voice.
Make me
less willful
and more willing,
I pray.

Love, Andrea

Friday, October 23, 2009

My dearest God,

More and more I am learning to trust others as I trust you. As I have spent these last many months in counselling digging deeper into my psyche, my spirit and soul, I am learning many truths about myself. I am coming to a deeper awareness of who I am, what makes me tick, what inspires me and, of course, those things that challenge me. I am finally able to make sense of me as I look at my own dark side, those places hidden for a long time by loss, pain and sorrow. Getting down to the bedrock of truth gives me greater power to change my life. And I am.

As I spent my day in gratitude giving thanks after writing my 1500th letter to you, I became conscious of little things I do. I began to own my own sin, my own failures and flaws. I became aware of how I react to life stimulus. Knowing my own faults leads me to an unburdening, a lifting rather than a weighing down. This may sound odd because in my mind I thought I would suffer greater pain if I explored my own yuck and muck. Just the opposite is true. The more I have learned about myself, the more power I have absorbed. The truths have elicted more courage and strength through which I am able to take the steps to transformation.

I don't know what opened so many doors for me that day. Was it the 1500th day of walking intentionally with you? Was it a new openness to truth? Was it the gratitude I was expressing for your infinite number of good gifts? Was it my desire to get to the "bottom" of things? Was it simply grace that grabbed hold? Life is a mystery, O God; however, what I do know is that my awareness of your loving presence is teaching me invaluable life lessons.

All praise
and glory
to you,
Mighty and Powerful God!
Your love
has ushered me
into yet
another new day.
Resurrection is
taking hold
more and more
each day.
As I
trust you more
and myself,
I am
being empowered
to live
a victorious life
by your grace.

I am loving you, Andrea

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Dearest God,

After writing my 1500th letter to you, I drove to the monastery for my covenant group gathering. On the way I lived in gratitude by giving thanks for what I saw and heard. When I saw a trash truck, I thanked you for those who clean up our homes and schools, churches, hospitals, businesses and industry. I uttered a prayer of thanksgiving for those who clean our air and water. What a vital role they play.

As I whispered my prayers, I suddenly realized that there is so much more to life than what we experience through the five senses. I can give thanks for what I see, but what is beneath what I see? When I saw the truck, I saw people working hard to serve the community. What I did not see before was their service to humankind.

During that 40 minute drive I began to look at the underworld, those invisible things rarely seen with the naked eye. What an eye-opening experience! I commenced in seeing things like generosity and hospitality. When a driver remained in his car while another car passed, he was practicing hospitality. He honored the other driver by yielding. When I came to a stop sign, I saw a desire for safety for all drivers, bikers and runners.

My all-day experience lurking in the underworld lead me to grace, hope, love, faith and trust. These God-given gifts, I came to understand, live in the invisible underworld and await being discovered. Moving from the visible to the invisible gave me a fresh, new perspective, a deeper appreciation for what lay under the surface, a new way to look at the world and a profound respect for your sacred creation.

Living in gratitude made the shift from the visible to the invisible a possibility. Wow!

God beyond creation,
how incredible
to meet you
in the underworld!
I know
so little
about you
and your
sacred design.
So often
I run
to the edge
of the visible
and there
I stop;
I react.
I complain.
I rail.
I cry out.
I fail
to take
the steps
leading to more.
I confess
my shallowness,
my narrowness,
my shortsightedness.
Please forgive me.
Teach me,
dear God;
teach me
your way
so I
will live
your will.

Love, Andrea

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

My dearest God,

What a privilege! What joy I feel when I sit at your feet and we talk. Each time I walk into the common room, sit down, turn on the computer and write, I sense your wondrous presence.

Once again we allow the world to overhear our conversation. We share together whatever is on our hearts and inside our souls. Today we are writing my 1500th letter to you.

What is on my heart this morning is my love for you, my devotion and affection. What a mighty God you are! What a loving God! You have poured out your blessings like a gentle rain on thirsty ground. I have swallowed up your agape.

During those 1500 days you pulled me up from utter despair. You cleansed my wounds, pouring the sweet oil of healing upon me. You gave me grace, that unwarranted gift of compassionate mercy. You revealed truths to me. You changed me. You moved me when I was paralyzed in pain. You ushered me into faith when fear had me in its grip. You spoke tender words of encouragement and love to me. You unfolded your mysteries; I watched you at work tending to other souls and to the creation. You sang me lullabies when I could not sleep. You offered me your hand and we danced together. You challenged me, reminding me that I am not yesterday's girl but today's because I am always to be growing. You invited me into a deeper walk of faith when I was resistant, wanting my own way. You laughed at me when I threw tantrums. You smiled when I tried to justify my sins; your warm way made me own up because I knew I would not forever live in judgement. You showed me your glory, those awesome holy moments of sacred design. You flooded me with awe when I recognized your greatness once again. You forgave me when I was ready to receive. You rattled my cage when I was preoccupied with lesser things. You assisted me in imagining new ideas when I had lost every idea. You helped me find joy that I had lost along the way. You rebuilt my fragile soul giving me courage and strength. You opened doors to a wider world when my world became smaller and smaller. You lead me to pools of peace when my mind was in torment and chaos. You talked to me of trust, showing me how to give more and more of my own will to you. You made transparent those areas where I needed to make modifications. You held my hand and walked with me when I took baby steps into newness of life. You inspired me to pray for forgotten people when I felt forgotten myself. You restored my spirit, renewed my creativity and prodded me toward new dreams. You returned hope to me.

What is there to say to such amazing gifts?

I love you,
Lord;
my heart
wells up
in gratitude.
My joy overflows.
I give you
all that
I am.
May my
thoughts and attitudes
be those
of your son
today.
May I live
for you.
Help me pray
all day
as a sign
of my desire
to be
your child,
your servant,
your own.
May I sprinkle
hope, grace,
joy, love and peace
to the world
as a gesture
of my thanksgiving.

Love always, Andrea

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Dearest God,

The leaves are letting go. Blown by Autumn's breeze, they are falling to the ground. Ready to die and shrivel up, they have completed their seasonal work. As they surrender the tree will at last be free to hunker down deep into winter's soil to replenish the nutrients spent this season. Quietly without fanfare they will deepen their roots and strengthen their foundation.

Fall is a great teacher for those who are interested in life lessons. The life cycle, even just one full year cycle of a tree, will teach volumes about the mysteries of life, growth, birth, death, transformation, resurrection, vulnerability, strength, starkness and beauty.

A tree is home to wild life who experience great joy running along the limbs and perched upon its branches. It is a shelter from the storm and safety to mother birds tendering to their nests of powder blue robin eggs. It is a classroom where the eggs will hatch and in time the birds will learn to fly.

By the time the last leaf falls from the maple tree outside my bedroom window I too will have to let go.

Whether taking root
or sprouting
or changing color
or surrendering,
you are
ever present.
Nothing happens
without you.
You use
every means
to teach us,
O God.
Those whose hearts
beat in rhythm
with your own
will explore
the depths
of your
great design.
They will
shout with joy
in new life
and weep
in death.
Yet,
in and through
it all,
life's mysteries
will unfold
unlocking the secrets
of creation.
Teach me,
this fledging student
eager to learn
at your feet,
I pray.

Love, Andrea

Monday, October 19, 2009

My dearest God,

What is faith if not a gesture of belief with flesh on it? What is faith if not applied to every life circumstance? What is faith if not a living trust in you?

Just like DNA faith lives in every cell. It lives and breathes with humanity's whole being. Faith is an acceptance that my life is more than me. Faith emerges from creation's seed. Faith is a holy wholeness, a reality larger than life itself. Faith is both a noun we can describe but also a verb that carries action and movement. Faith is a living reality, one shared between God and humanity, between you and me.

Sometimes I operate as if I have no faith at all. I stumble and struggle. I wrestle with what I want something to be even though it is not able. I try to will something to be what it is not. I cannot accept certain realities because I haven't yet let go, surrendered the old beliefs, hopes and dreams. Faith is trusting you, following you, being obedient to the challenge and the call. Faith is taking your hand and letting go. It is letting death take place because new life cannot take root without the seed that comes from death. Resurrection comes as death gives way. New life must be totally new; yet, it carries with it yesterday's death, the surrender. If Autumn's flowers do not die, there will be no spring blooms.

When a flower dies, there is a trust that a new flower will emerge once again. There is a trust in the process of metamorphosis, of transformation. There is a belief that the plant will reproduce, bringing new life and beauty once again.

My life's great challenge is to operate out of faith, to wholly trust in you, to be willing to be lead by your spirit, to inquire of your desire. Faith is living your will and accepting the joy that will come.

Holy and Living God,
I struggle
to be
your own.
Some days
I walk
the pilgrim journey
alone;
I refuse
to follow you,
to take
your hand,
to trust,
to let go.
And yet,
my heart
cries out
for you.
Teach me,
O Lord,
teach me
your glorious way.

Love, Andrea

Sunday, October 18, 2009

My dearest God,

I washed windows and sang. As part of the oblate program I participated in the work day at the monastery. I chose to wash the assembly hall and kitchen windows.

The windows were really dirty on the inside and out. We were only asked to wash the outside; however, the kitchen windows were open a crack and I was able to maneuver them to get up and inside. They are the old kind, one frame with three windows that push out. I first wiped down the screens and then started washing the inside top window first, then the outside, then the inside again and the outside. I scrubbed each one at least three times. I wanted them to be squeaky clean.

As I washed away, I could hear the sisters and hired staff talking and laughing. I could see them preparing lunch. The cleaner the windows became the more I was able to see the orange sweet potatoes on the baking tray. I could smell the aroma from the window. But more than that I saw the sisters' sweet smiles as they shared with one another. I heard one promise to pray for someone.

I loved washing those windows because I was washing them for you. I wanted every speck of dirt, smear and crud gone. I kept cleaning until the sisters could look out and gaze upon the turning colors.

I learned a valuable lesson while I washed. I need to regularly clean the windows of my heart, mind and soul. Frequently they get all gummed up. A thin layer of dust forms making it difficult to see clearly. The storms of life kick up water and dirt, smearing the windows. Before long they become so dirty I can barely see outside.

I remember Brother Lawrence talking about experiencing God's presence in the simplest tasks. Even though he lived centuries ago his truths are still relevant. I felt your presence as I washed the windows and the need to wash my own.

Often, Lord, I am not able to see clearly the direction of my life. My attitudes, beliefs, and thoughts can be altered because I am not seeing everything I need to see. I may only see what I want to see. I may focus on one part and fail to see the whole picture. I may judge something by one scene rather than push to see more. Sometimes I make mistakes in judgement.

As I begin the clean up work in my own life, I can start to see the colors of your loving grace. I may choose to see more, to trust more and to walk in the way that counts. When I am enabled to see more clearly I realize there are more options that I need to consider. When I surrender to your challenge and choose to cleanse my own body, mind and soul with your help, I can gaze upon your loveliness. I can elect to take steps to join you on the pilgrim journey. And for this I want to be spotless when I walk with you.

Cleanse me,
O Lord,
purify me
from within.
I want
my windows clean
so I
will be able
to gaze
upon you.
Thank you
for dirty windows
that teach me
life lessons.

Love, Andrea

Saturday, October 17, 2009

Dearest God,

I prayed for a simple, quiet and peaceful life. I am learning simplicity.

When I received the letter from our conference providing the insurance rates for 2010, I was stunned to discover that my health insurance will cost me 49% of my monthly income, 49%. I expected to pay double what I am paying now. But I had no idea it would rise from $270 a month to $1240. I was blown away.

I had been anxious to find out the figures so I could make a decision on how much money I could send monthly to support a United Methodist pastor in Africa who has no retirement pension. I wanted to give a gift to my former church who is building a Family Life Center. I wanted to give regular gifts to help underwrite microfinancing loans to poor African women. All this was to be in addition to tithing to the church wherever I attended. Now, I will be forced to choose between giving and utilities or food. I don't yet know what I am going to do.

As I pray for your will, I am reminded that every occurrence in life is an opportunity to rethink, reevaluate and renew my commitment to you. As I struggle to make ends meet, you bring to mind those who have no home, no food to eat, no medical care or someone to love them. You call me to pray, to be a Christian example of love in the world and to live more simply. You challenge me to consider my existence and your destiny for my life. You challenge me to build more and more trust in you. You ask me to live out of faith rather than fear.

Life is not easy but a life with you is. At any time I know I can come running to you. I know you will always have time for me. I know that you will ask me hard questions. You will test my faith. You will hold me accountable. You will request my loyalty. In return your loving grace will always be mine.

I want
to always live
a life
of gratitude,
O God.
Make me pliable,
flexible, willing
to bend,
to move
and to do
your will.
Keep teaching me
your way.

Love, Andrea

Friday, October 16, 2009

My dearest God,

"You will never know what you did for me." The young man said as he made his way to receive his award. "You were very kind. You gave me a sense of calm as I took the test." I was flabbergasted. He was a stranger to me, a young man who had taken a national exam. I had simply been his test monitor. He put his arm around my shoulder and gave me a gentle squeeze. Tears flooded my eyes.

I am always amazed by the ways in which you connect people together. I am always awestruck by the small opportunities that come our way to spread kindness, give help and encouragement or simply provide Christian love. It's easy really, just giving to others what we desire for ourself.

This gentleman's kind remark reminded me that we are always "on." Others are looking to us to affirm them, to give them a smile which may be, by the way, the only one they will receive all day, all week or all month. People need to be uplifted during hard times. Sometimes we search to find one person who will spark hope in us that day. I figure it is your way of linking us together, teaching us that we are one great earth family designed to care for one another.

Off and on all day I thanked you for this one opportunity. I smiled inside myself knowing I had succeeded in doing what you wanted me to do. I gave you praise.

Loving God,
you love
all your children;
none is
left out.
We walk
this planet
often failing
to remember
that you
made us
for one another.
I am grateful
for sharing
a simple gift
with this
one young man.
But I'm
most grateful
to you
for the opportunity.

Love, Andrea

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Dearest God,

Twenty four years. Twenty four years. The Prayer Warriors have been praying for my family for twenty four years.

Just as I was checking out at Kroger's, I turned to see Aldith, close to 90 years old and a member of the Prayer Warriors. She waved at me. I moved my cart near the door and waited until she checked out. We walked into each other's arms.

Aldith has been a member of Calvary United Methodist Church for decades. She's been a member of the prayer ministry for many years. I was one of their pastors for ten years. I remember back when my husband was appointed to that church in 1986.

One of my first experiences with the church was a study we had been invited to attend on a Saturday night. Wanting to get acquainted we joined the group meeting. At the end of the evening one of the members invited us to sit in two chairs in the middle of the circle. When we were seated all the participants circled around us, laid their hands on our heads, shoulders and backs and they prayed fervently for our ministry, our family, and our spoken needs. That was the beginning of their ongoing prayer for us.

"I know you are struggling," she told me in the store, "so we have you on our Prayer Warrior list on Wednesday mornings. You are also on the men's list who get together to pray on Wednesday nights." Warm tears filled my eyes as I grabbed hold of her one more time and hugged her.

Twenty four years. Who would willingly pray for me every week for 24 years? It is mind boggling to me. However, I know you are the master orchestrator of prayer, O Lord. You placed me on their list a long time ago and they continue to pray.

Dearest God,
who am I
but a speck
on this earth,
someone for whom
you care.
You connect people
through prayer.
Love unfolds,
trust takes root,
and faith
grows strong.
Humbled,
I am humbled
by such grace
and agape love.
I am grateful,
Precious Lord,
for Aldith and Florence and Frances and...

Love, Andrea

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Dear God,

Some noxious weeds have deep roots. I am still working in my garden. Although it is cold I am working against the clock to get rid of all these weeds left unattended for months. With my garden tools I am cutting, digging, uprooting and pulling these unwanted, ugly undesirables from my once beautiful garden. It is hard work.

In my virtual study I am studying a text from Hebrews wherein Paul talks about suffering leading to obedience. My weeds and suffering are kin. Like the garden my soul is filled with weeds with deep roots. When I dig down as far as I can dig to get the root, often what I get is just the top of the unsightly menace. The root remains very deep. Until I am able to excise the root, I am still going to have to face the ugliness that deeply rooted weeds bring.

I discover these truths every time someone tries to meddle with my own unsightliness. Some words, some thoughts, some actions can trigger my roots to grow even deeper. My own insecurity and vulnerability can hold desperately to the soil to protect my heart and soul. Sometimes I will fight to the finish always losing because you, O Lord, have put these challenges before me and will not let me go until the nasty roots are cleared once and for all.

Always I collapse into a heap at my own feet when the skirmish is over. I look back upon the battle and see the ways in which I have allowed myself to be pushed to the brink. In an instant replay I can play the tape watching myself in action. Always I weep at my unnecessary participation in a war that will never be won until I give up my weapons leaving myself in your hands. And I will always suffer until I am willing to trust you in that process.

The more times these events occur the more I realize my need for a disciplined obedience. If I am truly trusting you, then my deeply embedded weeds and their roots will eventually wither and die. There will be no need to hold on for protection. I will not need it because I will have you.

O God,
I grow weary
in battle.
I want
to strip down
and take off
my weapons
trusting you
to ease
my suffering.
Lead me
to obedience,
to a
disciplined life.
Reveal to me
the ways
I can learn
this trust deeper
than my
weed roots.
I know
the beauty
of such trust.
Make me beautiful,
dear God,
by removing
this emotional debris
from my soul,
I pray.

Love, Andrea

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

My dearest God,

Last night I sat alone in my darkened common room (a living room to most) and watched my Pine Mountain log fire. Set to last three hours I had done some writing, worked on getting an airline flight to return to Maine one last time, read the scripture readings for my virtual study with my covenant group and listened to some music. When I struck the match, the flame spread across the treated paper until I had a beautiful, sparkling fire. When my work was completed, I sat on the couch wrapped in my fleece blanket and watched the progress of the fire until it finally died leaving me in the darkness.

I was caught off guard when the last flames flickered and went out. I suddenly found myself weeping. Watching something have such life and then ebb and flow and finally go out was so sad for me. Yes, I was tired, I had had a long day. But there was something more.

The journey into darkness can sometimes be a short one. Like watching the fire roar and then go out, I believe the human life experience is like that sometimes as well. I don't always know when the light is about to fade. I am not always aware when my pilgrimage starts to take a dark turn. I just know at times it does. Once there I don't know how long it will last. What I do know is I am destined to travel into the darkness from time to time. I am convinced it is the only way I will really be able to see the light.

When I envision the future, I never imagine dark times. I always think about the light, my dreams and hopes, my prayers for a bright tomorrow. I never factor in dark moments that will cause me to rethink and reevaluate my life. Yet what I have learned as a life lesson these last few years and months, the truth is that my future will contain dark times.

It seems to me, God, that I am never prepared for this movement toward darkness. When the light starts flickering, I am surprised, afraid and disappointed. I begin to pray that my situation will change returning me back to the light. Sometimes I even get angry like I am entitled to a life filled with light all the time. But what I have learned is that life is full of light and darkness, darkness and light.

Something happens to all of us in the darkness. Something always happens to me. I know life is about to change or perhaps is already in the midst of transformation. More often than not, my darkness brings on a kind of sadness connected with loss that means I have already begun a change that cannot be turned around. I am leaving something behind, an attitude, a behavior, a belief, an unrealistic expectation, a hope or dream. I am not able to return to my former state no matter what I do. This metamorphosis will take me on the winding, twisting roads that will lead me to the light where I will discover my own altered state. (And just as I wrote this, Barbra Streisand began to sing her song, "Everything must change. Nothing stays the same. Everyone must change; no one stays the same. The young become the old and mysteries do unfold cause that's the way of time. Nothing and no one goes unchanged.")

I have come to believe the darkness is valuable to the human experience. It is your way, your loving way of jolting me, jarring my existence, making me pause, stopping to look around, to make life course corrections, to adjust and to climb to greater heights. In the darkness I must use my resources in a creative way. My senses are heightened. My world is reduced down to one or two issues that I have to address even if I don't want to. And at some point I will have to let go of something. Like the caterpillar I may try to gorge myself, in my case, with reluctance and resistance but eventually I will surrender, cocoon and mysteriously rise up in a new form. I can only hope that my own tranformation will be as lovely as that of an exquisite multi-colored butterfly that will catch the wind of the spirit and fly.

Every journey into darkness is made with you, O Lord. Oh, I may not notice you at first but at some point, I will become conscious of your presence leading me. My prayer is to get to the point where I will trust you wholly so I will recognize the subtle changes as they occur. In those moments I want to be able to say with sure confidence and faith, "Right now I am preparing for a journey into darkness with God who will lead me to greater light." And after making that faith statement, Great Shepherd, I want to willingly put on my backpack, take your hand and quietly begin the journey with you.

O God,
Most High,
you are God
of the darkness
and the light;
for they
are the same
to you.
My pilgrimage
in this
human life
is sometimes difficult
but always rewarding
when I listen
and follow you.
I may not always
want to take
the journey
but I always
want to
be with you.
I want
to be changed,
transformed by you
when you deem
it time.
I want
to become radiant
in the light
so that
I will be
better able
to glorify you
as your daughter.
Lead me
with your
transforming hand.

Love always, Andrea

Monday, October 12, 2009

My dearest God,

I sat in the third row at Westlake Church. The contemporary band was singing and the congregation was singing along with them with the use of a screen. As I sang along reading the words, I saw a small yellow butterfly fly across the screen. I kept on singing but I noticed it. By the end of the15 minutes of song I saw a second one following the first.

I like yellow. It's a burst of sunshine, a squeeze of lemon. I could frolick in yellow. It is bright and full of hope. I wanted to follow the yellow butterfly.

What came to mind is how much we follow one another. We want to follow what is beautiful and good and full of animation. We are drawn to such things. Like hope, we follow people with hope. Likewise, we can be caught up in hopelessness and people do follow people in hopelessness by taking drugs, joining destructive gangs, hurting others and behaving in deadly ways. What the heck? If there is no hope, then anything goes.

On the other hand as I watched the delicate fluttering on the screen which pictured a green pasture, blue sky and picturesque mountains, I was drawn in. I thought about what it means to soar with hope, to fly in freedom and to rise in joy. I felt light as a feather. I felt joy-full.

I have soared with others who exhibited that kind of joy, my grandmother for example. Her love for you was a thing of beauty to me even as a young child. I found my wings with her. Every time she sat down to read her Upper Room devotional magazine or prayed in the front room, I watched her face. When she fed the hungry from her own garden or read to the blind or helped the needy, I gazed upon godly loveliness. She fluttered all over her church by playing the organ as a volunteer for 60 years. I was enthralled as she played the old upright piano as we grandkids sang for as long as we wanted. During such moments there was a whole string of tiny butterflies rising and gliding in the sky.

What struck me the most by watching that spot of yellow on the screen in church was how faith is catchy. Faith is beautiful; it is awesome and striking. Faith liberates. It is the breath of wind, the life source that inspires the flight. I was caught by that spirit breeze one day and I have followed ever since. Oh, I have had many times when I was grounded by doubt and fear, moments when my heart was weak and my mind focused on the darkness only. I could not find my way up. In the darkness the air was still and heavy. I felt pushed down, unable to move into the adventure. I felt trapped by death.

But then you breathed on me and at once I rose upward. As I felt life surging through me, I
felt a new strength and courage. I began to move my wings, realizing they were still there. With a life-giving gulp of air, I felt a resurgence of faith beckoning me to move. In those spirit-filled moments, I spread my wings and began to fly, not alone but with you. Like a teeny spot of yellow, I followed in your jetstream. Talk about soaring at unknown heights! Wow!

Breathe on me,
breath of God,
be the air
beneath my wings.
Give me courage
to rise
and fall
with you.
Color me
with your beauty
that others
will be drawn
to fly,
to soar
like eagles
in updrafts.
Help us all
to catch
the wind
of your spirit.

Love, Andrea

Sunday, October 11, 2009

Dear God,

I felt dizzy and nauseous like I was trying to get sick with the flu. I had felt it the day before and while I was on the treadmill but now I felt on the verge of a full fledged assault. I was in the car on a shopping trip with my daughter. My granddaughters, ages 9 and 4 were with us. When I said I couldn't go in to the store, my daughter stopped and said they needed to pray for me. That's when I suddenly had three sets of hands on me. Little Lucy held on to my arm. Gabrielle prayed. A little later I felt better. By nightfall I had enjoyed soup and a salad, a trip with the grandchildren into the Barnes and Noble children's reading area, an interesting wandering in the Yankee Candle shop where I helped Gabrielle and Lucy select a lip balm scent, a little ditty dance to Irish music on the street outside the Irish pub and dinner with Jill's whole family. No more sickness.

I taught my children to pray when they were little. My youngest daughter has become a prayer warrior in her church. She has taught her own children to pray. They pray at meals, before bed and in crises. Today I was blessed and healed when they prayed for me.

The language
of prayer
touches the soul
at a
deep level.
When four-year-old Lucy
raised her hand
to pray
for me
in the car,
I was humbled,
touched and inspired.
She wanted
to pray
for my healing.
Even if
Gabrielle prayed
for all
the prayer requests,
it was okay
with Lucy
as long
as someone prayed.
I am grateful,
O Lord,
that the door
to your throne
is always open.

Love, Andrea

Saturday, October 10, 2009

Dearest God,

I started a fire in the fireplace early this morning. I haven't yet turned on my heat because I don't feel the need and I don't want to spend my money that way. But the real reason I wanted a fire is because it is beautiful. I love the way the yellow and orange flames rise up from the log. I also love to hear the crackles in the quietness of my own home.

The living word that comes to me as I gaze upon this loveliness is purification. I think of your holy spirit as the refining purifier. Now, I wouldn't just jump to the chance of praying for a purification. I know that process. I've felt the burn. Been there, done that. But I also know your love is a purifier and so is your grace. Your love reveals to me the essence of your being and how that essence touches my life. Your grace discloses the gifts I receive that transform me from what I was to what I am or from what I am to what I need to be. And that transformation usually comes with a burning fire. The end result is always better than what I began with.

I cannot imagine what or how or who I would be today without your living fire. What attitudes would I hold? What beliefs would I espouse? What standards would I follow? What kind of example would I be? What kind of life would I be leading? I need that fire to burn away the chaff in my soul. I need to rid myself of the unwanted debris of negativity, ugly thoughts, self pity, blame and judgement. Your cleansing fire literally burns away those life-sucking things that rob me of the abundant life you talk about. I believe your fire is a living gesture of love that fits me for heaven.

And so as I sit and study the flames and feel the warmth of my fire, I think of you and the countless times your loving fire has changed me into your likeness. I am only a teeny weeny glimmer of your likeness now but I pray through your fire I will one day more closely resemble you.

Loving God,
your many gestures
of mercy
and compassion
have come
through the flames
of your
Holy Spirit.
I am
so very grateful.
Purify me,
O Lord,
so that
I may better
represent you
in the world.

Love, Andrea

Friday, October 9, 2009

My dearest God,

Like rock layers in the earth, there are emotional layers in the human soul. The surface is an image projected by the human mind. I look like this, my image states, I am like this. The surface can be pricked, scratched. I can feel hurt, a first level pain which requires a short time for healing.

The next level is one of a secondary nature. My first level pain when scraped too deeply leads me to the next layer. This can involve emotions like anger and resentment. Healing this layer requires a little longer.

Third level pain includes bitterness, rage, and listing hope. This pain is an serious infection of the heart. Healing can take an extended amount of time.

But it is the fourth level of pain that is so critical. The heart, mind and body are all infected. Hopelessness and despair live here and threaten the whole being. This level of pain can lead the whole person into shock from which recovery is uncertain. If healing is to take place, the Master will be needed to lead from the inside out.

Like back pain that starts in the lower back and moves across and down all the way to the foot bringing extreme pain and numbness, the only way for healing to be accomplished is to do the work that moves the pain from the foot to the calf and then up to the thigh and finally back to the site of the original problem. Only then will the pain subside and the body be restored. In the same way for true healing to take place in the human soul, a fourth level pain will have to be addressed before the third level will have a chance and so on.

I have spent what seemed an eternity at the fourth level. In fact I went months at a time in this deep layer where the light hardly shines. My sense of self, my connection to humanity and my well being have been rocked and my foundation crumbled. So deeply enmeshed in my troubles it was difficult, no, impossible to see the light of day. I fought to live. I fought to die.

In recent weeks I have sensed the movement upward. My fourth level pain is subsiding. I have chosen to live and work hard to recover. I believe that saints and angels entered this area when all hope was lost. They helped my inner core to begin the process of healing. I feel it. I know it. However, in order for true healing to take place, I have to let go, to surrender certain beliefs that have held me captive. I have to let you do your miracle work.

Not only has heaven's finest been at work in my being's restoration, I have been assisted by a counselor who has helped me refine my expectations, repair my injuries and renew my spirit. My body is finally in sync with my spirit. The two have me on the road to recovery.

Blessed God,
your love
can restore
broken hearts,
broken minds
and broken spirits.
You send
your best
to tend
to our wounds,
our physical,
emotional and
spiritual breakdowns.
Your grace
heals from
the inside out.
Your peace
is the sign
of your
living presence
within us.
In humble gratitude,
I remain yours.

Love, Andrea

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Dearest God,

I think I have come full circle. Before I crawled out of bed this morning, I prayed for those for whom no one prays.

In these last few years especially the last several months I have experienced the feeling of being forgotten. Not by just anyone or many but by one in particular. It is a horrible feeling to be forgotten. Whether it is ultimately true or not, it is the ultimate feeling of rejection and abandonment. I use the word ultimate and ultimately to highlight the depth and intensity of the experience.

I think I tried everything I could to jar loose feelings of connection; yet, I failed in every endeavor. You can't make someone remember you.

When I cried out to you, you always came to me. I was never left alone. I never felt forgotten by you. Somewhere along the way my cry did not lead me where I wanted to go but somewhere else. Like planning a trip to a particular location, I looked to the place I hoped to go. I thought about it, planned for it, and even prayed for it. I longed to be there believing happily that arriving at my destination would answer my heartfelt need. But you did not lead me to that place. You guided me to a detour sign. I had to go another way. How many times did I stand at this sign weeping because I could see my destination ahead but no way to ever get there? More times than I want to count.

In my own desperate need to be remembered, you took me to one great community of forgotten people. You made me aware, conscious of a huge number of forgotten peoples. Unwanted babies. Rejected teens. Children with no parents running in the streets. Throw aways. Used, abused people. Neglected elderly persons. Individuals who have no connection to someone else. As I prayed to find my way to being remembered, you showed me this large number of human beings that are largely forgotten. You asked me to pray for them, to remember them in prayer.

One of the life lessons I have learned this year is to trust you to lead me to the destination of your choice rather than my own. I have been directed to the forgotten in my own forgottenness. You have made a way for me by making a way for others. As I remember them especially in prayer, I somehow am addressing my own need. It gives me a special joy to remember them.

I am confident there have been a great number of times I have forgotten you, when I went about my own way, when I have pleasantly enjoyed fulfilling my own life. It was only when I came to a stop sign that I realized something was amiss and I was forced to make a turn. When I became aware of my own neglect, I would fall into a puddle of humiliation, self judgement, embarrassment and sorrow. At your feet I would beg for forgiveness. I would confess my self centeredness.

I believe you say to every human, "I will not forget you."

O God,
I confess
to my
own forgetfulness.
When I
become preoccupied,
I sometimes forget.
When I
am caught up
in myself,
I forget
whose hand
has shaped me,
whose love
has embraced me,
whose breath
has given
me life.
I fail
to remember.
Please forgive
this clay body,
this finite human.
I long
to always
remember you.
Lead me,
guide me
to you,
Loving Dad.
Teach me
the way
of remembering.
Keep close
this community
of people
you have
given me
to remember.
I humbly
give thanks
in Jesus' name.

Love, Andrea

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Dearest God,

A tidal wave of sadness washed over me. Caught off guard I wept for a long time.

You have taught me many life lessons these last many months. Healing does not have a beginning and ending time. Once healing begins sadness is not finished. It is not over in the middle, sometimes not even at the end. You have revealed to me that sadness can come at any time, triggered by almost anything.

One call phone. It took just one phone call to allow sadness to well up again and spill over me. One phone call.

One way I have learned to deal with deep sadness is to whisper over and over, "The Lord is my shepherd, the Lord is my shepherd, the Lord is my shepherd." Images of Jesus carrying a lamb come to me. A strong man carrying a little wounded baby sheep. I find comfort in the image and the reality behind it.

I have found that when healing begins in the human soul, a scab will form over an injured spot. Designed to scab and eventually fall away a faded mark may remain as a reminder. But overall the scab is a sign of healing. However, at times something will happen to pull at the scab causing additional bleeding. Another scab will emerge. At some point with continued healing the scab will do as it is created to do to aid in the healing process.

My scab was pulled away prematurely. I felt the original pain all over again. I sensed that suffering sorrow in my soul, like a water barrel filled to the top spilling over.

I know in my head how healing works. I know the issues of pain in my soul. I know healing will take a long, long time; however, sometimes I forget the wounded places, the scabs of healing. I forget that I am still fragile and vulnerable. I loved too long, too deeply to heal in just a few months. I have to allow time for my soul to heal although the marks will remind me of my loss.

Yet you have disclosed to me that healing is an act of God. It is a promised gesture of love, compassion and mercy. From the beginning of time you have been in the business of healing. It is your grace that begins the transformation of the wounded soul. You work quietly, silently during the day and in the night. Your gentle hand is at work sewing healing into the fractured soul. Just as something can happen to cause my dam to break, something can take place and I may find myself smiling or become aware that my despair is not as deep as it once was. I discover a sign of divine healing in my soul.

What I have learned is this: Trust God in all things. Trust you in joyous times; trust you in great loss. No loss is so great that your love is not yet greater. In trusting you with my whole heart, I am living the promise of healing and resurrection. I am already moving into a newness of life.

Teach me,
teach me,
dear God,
the ways
of deep trust.
Help me
to take everything
to you
in prayer
and supplication.
Guide me
during times
of trial
and testing.
Lift my
little boat
upon the waves
of your
gracious love
so that
I may not
be so afraid
when the storms
of life hit.
Help my trust
to grow
so that I
will be able
to rise
and fall
during stormy weather,
always trusting
in you,
never faltering,
never fearing,
never doubting,
always trusting.
You will always
have my
love and devotion.

As always, Andrea

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Dearest God,

I recognized something this morning as I awakened at the campground. The sun had not yet risen. The sky was gray; yet, I could see the woods all around me. Leaves beginning their annual autumn trek. All was quiet. Only one other person nearby was awake walking to the bathroom like me.

As I took in the early morning beauty, I remembered last night. Although the moon was full casting its shadows among the tall trees, it was very dark. I walked without my flashlight to the bathroom thinking I could easily find my way back to the campsite. After all, the bathhouse had lights and I was only three campsites away. But when I walked out and took a few steps, I suddenly lost my way. I walked between two trailers that had lights strung across them. When I got to the paved road, I looked around and still was not sure where I was headed. Then I heard my friend’s voice and saw the light. I was just a few yards away.

This morning as I recalled the incident I was struck by the knowledge that when the light is shining, I can see everything around me in great detail. But when I am in the darkness, I only look for the light.

I thought about these last painful months when suffering ushered me into a time of great darkness. The darker my suffering the more I looked for the light. I was not in the slightest bit interested in anything else I might be able to make out. I only desired the light. As I trusted the light more, the less the darkness frightened me, the less hold it had on me, the less power it swayed. The light meant more to me in the darkness than the light of day.

My prayer these days is one of greater trust. I yearn for a trust in you that is second nature, one that breathes with me. I long for a trust where my first breath each day whispers, “Guide me, O Lord, lead me in your way.” I want that trust to lead me to you like the darkness lead me to the light.

Guide me,
Great Jehovah,
lead me
to you
whether in
great darkness
or in
the light.
Be the beacon
that calls out
to me.
Make my
inward parts
ready to
answer the call,
to find
my way,
to follow
the light
that always
leads me home.

Love to you great light, Andrea

Monday, October 5, 2009

Dearest God,

What is church? As I drove into the parking lot, I watched persons leaving their cars and walking toward the church. Because the facility sits in the middle of a field, it is easy to see people from every direction. I observed them walking together talking away. Some held hands with their partner and children. Some wandered quietly. Everyone was in a hurry. Mass was to begin in minutes.

As I knelt at the kneeling rail, I looked around in the dimly lighted sanctuary. More than half were kneeling, hands drawn together in prayer. The musicians were playing and singing. I thought to myself, "this is the home of God." Where else would I rather be than in your home with others who desire to gather with you?

I believe the church is the desiring place. It is our gift to you as we bless you with our presence, our worship and our devotion. You loved the church so much. You created the church out of a smattering of individuals who desired to be with you, to do your work, to walk and talk with you but more than that they were people whose love for you stretched beyond time and space. A desiring place is like a love letter being sent to our beloved with a message of agape that is more than our heart can truly express.

But church is even more than that. It is your love letter to us. It is a gesture of your agape for a wayward, generally self-centered bunch of folks. Church is your way of letting the world know we are loved. Church is grace and hope, faith and trust. Church is the best of who we are made of the human crumbs of loyalty, devotion, commitment, belief, love and faith. I say crumbs because we are not perfection come together. Rather just as you lifted up a handful of earth and made the first human so do you take the crumbs of our lives, our sins and temptations, our selfish attitudes and behaviors, our bits of faithfulness and love and you pour out your love and the church is the result of your work.

As I left the service, I gazed upon happy people. Children running and smiling, older couples holding hands, families in step with one another. They smiled. Yes, we had experienced the desiring place once again and we experienced joy not just for ourselves but all those for whom we would carry joy to.

Thank you,
Gracious God
for your gift
of the church.
Thank you
for your trust
in us
as we worship
and praise you.
Thank you
for love
that meets us
and for love
we take home.
Thank you
for those
you have asked
us to loved
with your love.
That's part
of the
church too.
Thank you
for the
love letter.
I loved it.

Love always, Andrea

Sunday, October 4, 2009

My dearest God,

In the 1970's I used to listen to the old time gospel music on television. As a young mother, I was drawn into a loving devotion for the God they sang about. I used to weep as I sang with them about our faith in you. I felt so close to you.

Some forty years later most of them are dead. Yet, their music lives on. More importantly, their faith, devotion and love continue to produce fruit in today's world. As I walked on the treadmill yesterday morning I sang along with the Statesmen. Every song spoke to my heart. They urged me onward and upward. They sang heaven's song.

One vision that came to me was a picture of my own broken-down self being held by angels and saints. I could see my red swollen eyes, my downward head and my limp, worn body. I saw the heaves of a broken heart. But there they were holding onto me. I swear part of my ongoing healing has come from these devoted souls embracing me in my worst despairing moments.

As I walked and sang and reflected upon that vision, I recognized the incredible power of your spirit caring for the downtrodden, the poor in spirit. What is it that Jesus said? Blessed be the poor in the spirit for they shall see God. I have gazed upon you so many times during these last few years but especially these last painful months. These devotees of all that is good, all that is beautiful and all that is loving have sung to me of your faithfulness and I have allowed your grace-filled love to fill me when I was empty.

The longer I walked the stronger I felt as I gave praise for healing that came to my broken heart when I trusted in you. In my pain I held onto your hand building my faith one breath at a time. Your blessed faithful assisted me as they held up their burdened part of my soul.

What can I say to express my gratitude? How can I thank you for saving me? I could sing your praise until my death but that still would not be enough.

Thank you,
my God,
for rescuing me
from the
darkness that sought
to devour me.
Thank you
for your sweetness
that loved me
while my life
collapsed at
your feet.
Thank you
for grace
that cleanses
and purifies
my soul.
Thank you
for reopening
the windows
and doors
to my heart.
Thank you
for energizing
my spirit
once again.
Thank you
for embracing me
when I
felt the love
of my life
die away.
Thank you
for sustaining me
in every trial.
Thank you
for breathing
your spirit breath
into my
lifeless body.
Thank you
for returning
my joy.

Love always, Andrea

Saturday, October 3, 2009

Dear God,

Did you know our covenant group of five is now doing a virtual study of the weekly lectionary readings? Did you know we are writing our comments back and forth to each other? We use the lectio divina way of reading, allowing you to bring words, phrases, themes, or thoughts to mind. As we reflect and share, your word is speaking to us in very meaningful, if not profound ways.

I had prayed that you would guide me to be more diligent with bible reading. I asked you to help me be more obedient. You answered my prayer in a different way, a better way as you brought us to create a study that we were accountable to do, to read, to explore, to challenge ourselves, to step inside the writer's mind, to hold a conversation that would build our faith by taking an honest look at ourselves in light of holy scripture.

I believe that any personal desire that wills ourselves to grow in you, in faith, in service, in love and in grace, you bless us. In fact I believe you take us beyond what we think we can accomplish. I believe you take us by the hand and together we take spiritual adventures of a lifetime.

This morning I am feeling especially blessed by this knowledge because I know your promises are real. I know the spiritual life is the best life. I know your love embraces us in every step of growth. I know you see the end where I can only see the middle. Just as well, of course. That way I can give thanks for today and all my yesterdays without expecting a particular outcome for tomorrow. Praise for every day.

Praise for
every day.
I can
have praise
for every day
because you
are in
my life
every day.
My desire
to follow you
and your desire
to bless
this following
keeps us
on the
daily journey
of life.
I can
look forward
to every day
with you.
Thank you
for your
daily teachings.
What a privilege
to carry
a backpack
filled with resources
as I
walk along
my life's path
with biblical friends.
Thanks Job,
psalmist, Mark,
and the writer
of Hebrews,
it's been great
to get
to know
you better
this week.
I like
walking with
you guys.
Thanks for
sharing your stories.

Love, Andrea

Friday, October 2, 2009

Dear God,

What do my eyes see? A school bus picking up elementary age school children. Two different fathers standing with their children, waving goodbye, mouthing "I love you" as the bus pulls away. The sun peeking above layers of gray, moody clouds. The church rising out of the field.

What do my ears hear? The sound of silence as I wander through my house early this morning. The sound of birds singing outside my window. The church bells ringing.

As I draw closer to you and silence my own inner thoughts, my senses are heightened, put on alert to see and hear your footsteps. I smile as I recognize these prized moments of the day. What is a glorious day if not a day where I am in touch with your amazing reality?

Great and Gracious God,
to whom
every knee
can bow
and find nourishment
for the soul,
I give
quiet thanks.
You are generous
beyond all generosity.
Your love
extends from
infinite to infinite.
Your grace
eases, consoles,
comforts and rids
the soul
of unwanted
sin and temptation.
You are
a loving God,
greater than
every human rendition
of loving gods.

Love, Andrea

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Dearest God,

"Let my tongue go silent if I ever forget you." I was struck by yesterday's responsorial psalm. Throughout the day I repeated the line. "Let my tongue go silent if I ever forget you."

I can boast of my accomplishments. I can share my good works. I can talk all about me. But why? Such sharing is like chaff caught in the breeze. These things do not last; they have no eternal value. Just one person sharing their human thoughts.

But offering to the world your accomplishments, your work, your love, your faithfulness, your hope, your peace, your joy and your word, now there's something to share. Something that holds its value long after I am gone.

What I know about me is temporary; what I know about you is indeed eternal. Sharing my rendition of your faithfulness gives greater knowledge, love and joy to those around me. Hope comes home when I open my mouth to give you praise.

God Almighty,
how could
I ever
forget you?
Shake my foundation
when I
talk all
about me
and forget
what I have
to say
about me
is nothing
to be compared
to what
can be shared
about you.
Your word
has lasting power.
Your love
holds us
in an
eternal embrace.
Your faithfulness
endures forever.
Your peace
is like
no other.
Your joy,
aah, so sweet.
Let me always
sing your praise.

Love, Andrea